Tuesday, 23 July 2013

PIG FACE DECIDES SHE LIKES TO FLIRT WITH DEATH

pig dog, pig face, whorrified, argentine dogo,
THE FACE OF AN ANGEL if angels were white, shoe-chewing pigs.
I'm thinking it's about time for a Pig Face update. The pig-dog, who is as sweet as she is hideous, has not made many appearances here because, unlike my feelings for Kim Kardashian, I respect her as a living creature. Which is why I felt bad for mocking her during her previous appearance ... actually that's not quite right, I didn't feel bad at all, I just felt bad that I didn't feel bad, much as I felt when I ended an awful relationship with that dude whose name I can't remember but I know it rhymes with schmasshole. 

Anyway, Pig Face has been maturing nicely and is pretty much bacon now. And although she is well-behaved in almost every way, she has developed, at age 11 months, an insatiable craving for shoes. In the past week, the bitch (and now I know why people call them that) has chewed through a pair of heels and a pair of Nikes worth a combined half grand at least, and I mean literally chewed through. I admit I might have hoped for a brief moment that the leather would stick in her craw and kill her dead, because then I wouldn't have to explain the kick marks to the animal coroner. What? They don't have animal coroners? Oh you shouldn't have told me that. 

So now I've learned to hide all shoes, slippers, purses, tanning addicts, old people's butts and anything that remotely resembles leather, lest Pig Face decides it's food. This will of course work like a charm until she decides that what she really feels like chewing on this week is carpets. Or furniture. Next time you ask yourself, "Why does she call that poor dog a pig?" you can answer yourself "Because that's her only outlet and it's either that or murder with her bare hands."

EDITOR'S NOTE: And also, have you ever seen a pig?