Thursday, 11 July 2013


Young, beautiful, angelic (if, alas, not the brightest bindi on the forehead) Selena Gomez has swept out of the skies to rescue her troubled boy-lover Justin Bieber. The lad has been on a weed-smoking, pot-pissing, Ferrari-burning flameout since Selena dumped him months ago, and let me tell you, if a boy is so lonely that even Lil Twist starts to look like a viable buddy option, he should be worried.

Then suddenly, we hear this: Selena surprised Justin by featuring one of his old voicemails on her new single Love Will Remember. In the voicemail, he professes his pants-wetting love for her and calls her his princess and says all kinds of shat that kids say to each other when they haven't lived together yet. (Editor's note: And I'm going to stop her right there, because once she starts down that road it just gets ugly.)
According to Hollywood Life, Justin was "blown away" by the gesture. The two have reportedly reunited and are probably feverishly dry-humping at this very moment.

Well this whole thing feels like an elaborately manipulated publicity gesture designed to suck our souls and wallets dry,  which is why I feel like a dirty goat-girl for falling for it and wanting to believe that maybe this is genuinely the cutest gesture ever and that the Biebs and Selena are, like, T.R.U. L.U.V. and . . . Ah, geez. I just threw up on myself again. I have GOT to stop reading this shite.