Saturday, 13 July 2013

SNOOKI SO WANTS TO DELIVER THE ROYAL MEATBALL

HER ROYAL DUCKLIPS 
is totally trying to horn her way 
into the Royal Family. 
Can you friggin IMAGINE?
Photo/CreStock
I am so relieved to hear that Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton has her own personal maternity adviser to assist her with every mothering issue that could possibly arise. 
Mind you, she didn’t ask for this adviser.
Nor has she hired her. 
Nor has she even met her.
Nor, in fact, is she ever likely to meet her, much less listen to her nonsensical “advice.” 
Because this self-appointed adviser is Snooki Polizzi.

Yes, ever since a screaming meatball fell out of Snooki's vagina and she got new veneers and tattoos to celebrate, she has decided she's an expert and has taken to writing Kate letters full of maternal wisdom. I mean get a load of some of the horseshit this nincompoop actually said to the future queen of England:
On comparing babies to McNuggets: "In the beginning, right when you take your royal golden nugget home to the castle is the most exciting experience of your life. I couldn't wait to wake up in the middle of the night to take care of my little prince Lorenzo."
On wishing to kill your little meatball: "Then it's like, 'I love you but OMG stop crying! I'm exhausted. The lack of sleep you will get used to -- just do your makeup, put a tiara on, and you'll look beautiful as usual."


On hiring faded leprechauns to soothe them: "Music calms them down. I'm pretty sure you can have anyone you want over to sing to your little one ... maybe a lullaby from Elton John?" 

I'm sure this unsolicited piffle went over very well at Buckingham Palace. 

Queen: I say, that postal stamp, it says "Jersey Shore." It's not that ewok creature again, is it?
Kate: *slices top with pewter letter opener*  I expect it is. Oh! Oh my! Listen to this. Hahaha ... HAHAHA! ... HAHAHAAAAA! Oh, bloody hell, I think I've just gone into labour. 
Queen: WILLS!!! Fetch the stable veterinarian! Hurry!
Wills: But Gran, the veterinarian?
Queen: What of it? He was good enough for your Aunt Anne and your father and Camilla.
Wills: Yes, but they're horses, Grandmother!
Kate: Ehm, Wills? HAVING A GODDAM BABY OVER HERE!
Wills: *dials hotline*  Hello, Snooki? How quickly can you get here?
Ewok: *high fives her little meatball* I knew it!