Tuesday, 30 July 2013


I understand your reluctance to attend Caribana. Truly, I do. Your'e afraid you're going to look like those two on the left instead of these two on the right.

As we begin the big countdown to Caribana and I share my excitement with friends and co-workers, it is becoming increasingly obvious that many of you have never been. And never will. For reasons that probably have a lot to do with "scared." 

This, my friends, is poppycock. There's nothing to be afraid of, and please don't remind of that one time someone in a crowd of more than a million people got shot, because odds are that could happen to you while shopping in the Eaton Centre. Or on a streetcar
I often get asked, "Why do you go?", the subtext of this question being, "You DO know you're white, right?"
Yes, I do know. I also know that I am three-quarters Brazilian and I have felt the beat of that nation's drum in my pulse from the moment I was born. This explains not only why I am irresistibly drawn to the music, the food, the very soul of the tropics but also why I have never been able to adhere to any dress code that requires more than 1/80th of my body to be covered.

Anyway, Caribana is one of those things that has to be seen to be understood, so I'll let the pictures do the talking. Please consider these a test run. If you make it to the end of them without having an aneurism, I'd say you're ready for Caribana. Start taking your clothes off ...


Reason No. 1: Fun I highly recommend that you join in. You will sprain everything you own but it'll be worth it.

Reason No. 2: Safety The police presence is ridiculous (Here, an officer joins in the fun. Whether he wants to or not.)

Reason No. 3: Celebrities You never know who's gonna show up. (Here, our own Mayor Rob Ford makes an appearance. Ford: "I love a parade! Hey, wait a sec, you're not GAY, are ya?")

Reason No. 4: Food Jerk chicken, fried chicken, rice and peas, oxtail, roti and, yes, hotdogs. For the white folk.

Reason No. 5: Beer tents No further explanation needed.

Reason No. 6: Racial integration We're all God's children. Except that guy. (Those shorts! What the fuck?)

Reason No. 6: Eye Candy What? Where did this picture come from? Editor! No personal photos! You know the rules.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Well this all looks ... interesting, but I still don't think I'm quite ready for it.
MY NOTE: Good, because I was planning to ditch you the second we got there anyway.