|BREAKING NEWS: JENNIFER ANISTON IS NOT PREGNANT |
In other stunning developments, Oprah is not broke and Miley Cyrus is not a Rhodes scholar.
The Internet's penis is not having much luck impregnating celebrities these days. A few months ago, it tried to make Beyonce pregnant and she was so pissed off she did nothing but pose in midriff-baring "I'm So NOT Pregnant" tops for three weeks.
That caused some Internet shrinkage and it behaved itself for awhile, but then last week it got a boner again and tried to make Jennifer Aniston pregnant. "Jennifer Aniston touched her stomach!" "Jennifer Aniston pregnant at last!" That kind of shite.
But Jennifer has finally wised up and learned how to handle unwanted Internet advances. She's "laughing off" pregnancy rumours, telling Splash Online "I couldn't possibly be pregnant because my uterus has turned to stone!" (Not her exact words. But they could have been.)
Commenting on persistent reports of a baby bump, Jen explains: "I've just gained a couple of pounds." And I don't know how that happened because the woman's body violently rejects EVERYTHING that isn't made of kale, hemp or yoga.
So just to be clear, for those who still believe in tooth fairies and vampires and John Travolta's heterosexuality, Jennifer Aniston: Not Pregnant. Not Now. Not Ever. Never.