|SO I CALLED IN SICK TODAY BUT IN ACTUAL FACT |
I booked a one-way to Cuba and drank beer all day with the locals. My boss will never suspect!
Of course I'm kidding ... about the crabs ... but seriously, it's ugly and itchy and oozing and if you think I'm going to post a selfie of that you're off your rocker. Beauty: that's what I'm in the business of, here. Well that and unrelenting corn-holing of the Chris Browns and Kim Kardashians of the world.
In fact where the hell was I?
Ah yes. Crabs. Speaking of which, I hear Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are planning an "over-the-top" wedding (whose stomach-churning excess will be matched only by their subsequent over-the-top divorce) and that Kanye is pressuring Anna Wintour to let baby North West make her debut on the cover of Vogue.
Wintour is resisting, because A) it's a stupid idea and B) she detests Kim Kardashian. She does, however, adore Kanye, which proves that Wintour may be a shrewd businesswoman but she's also every bit the lunatic, megalomaniacal, personality-challenged ice princess diva she is rumoured to be. Bitches always find their own kind, people. It's how we survive.
EDITOR'S NOTE: I thought it was your eye that was infected.
MY NOTE: It is. Why?
EDITOR'S NOTE: It's just that ... that whole post sounds like it was written by someone in the final stages of galloping syphilis.
MY NOTE: Well you would know. Now couldja pass me my crab cream, please?