Wednesday, 14 August 2013

MY EYE GOT INFECTED & NOW MY WHOLE BRAIN HURTS

SO I CALLED IN SICK TODAY BUT IN ACTUAL FACT 
I booked a one-way to Cuba and drank beer all day with the locals. My boss will never suspect!
I'm a little light on posts today because I have an extremely unappetizing thing going on in my eye, which was probably caused by pubic lice. Those stupid fuckers don't respect boundaries; they see hair, they think: "This must be the place." (Sudden get-rich scheme occurs to me: GPS for vermin! Ka-CHING!)

Of course I'm kidding ... about the crabs ... but seriously, it's ugly and itchy and oozing and if you think I'm going to post a selfie of that you're off your rocker. Beauty: that's what I'm in the business of, here. Well that and unrelenting corn-holing of the Chris Browns and Kim Kardashians of the world.
So. 
I digress. 
In fact where the hell was I? 

Ah yes. Crabs. Speaking of which, I hear Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are planning an "over-the-top" wedding (whose stomach-churning excess will be matched only by their subsequent over-the-top divorce) and that Kanye is pressuring Anna Wintour to let baby North West make her debut on the cover of Vogue

Wintour is resisting, because A) it's a stupid idea and B) she detests Kim Kardashian. She does, however, adore Kanye, which proves that Wintour may be a shrewd businesswoman but she's also every bit the lunatic, megalomaniacal, personality-challenged ice princess diva she is rumoured to be. Bitches always find their own kind, people. It's how we survive. 

EDITOR'S NOTE: I thought it was your eye that was infected.
MY NOTE: It is. Why?
EDITOR'S NOTE: It's just that ... that whole post sounds like it was written by someone in the final stages of galloping syphilis. 
MY NOTE: Well you would know. Now couldja pass me my crab cream, please?