Wednesday, 25 September 2013

A PUBLIC HEALTH MESSAGE FROM KELLY ROWLAND

Kelly Rowland, Shape Magazine,
KELLY ROWLAND COULD NEVER 
have scored this magazine cover without 
the expensive boobs she bought herself. 
Because what else is there about that body 
to like? Seriously. She's a mess.

Shape/October 2013

Kelly Rowland, whom I have made a point of ignoring for most of the life of this blog because she strikes me as a colossal bitch and not just because I hate women who look this good on instinct principle, has forced me to acknowledge her existence with this eyeball-searing Shape magazine cover. 

Which is fine. Whatever. Photoshop, airbrushing please, if I wanted to (and if they asked), I too could be on the cover of Shape magazine, provided my editor wrote in that "extensive free plastic surgery" clause I've been nagging him for. Because any day now, somebody is going to ask me to pose for their cover. And sorry, National Hog Farmer, your offer was, quite frankly, insulting. I need a year's supply of free feed like I need a third teat. (Although, come to think of it ...) 

Speaking of teats, Kelly is taking advantage of the publicity afforded to her by this magazine about fitness to talk about her healthful, life-affirming boob job. Basically, she says, it's the coolest thing she ever did. Unless you count breaking down onstage while singing about how Beyonce ruined her life. 

Moms everywhere will be thrilled to hear Kelly whinnying about how her life was pure shite until she got those perky fun bags stuffed into her chest cavity. Screw fame, success and wealth beyond anyone's wildest dreams: fake tits, ladies. THAT'S what's going to make you feel good about yourselves.
Oh, and she also mumbles something about ab exercises. Apparently all you flat-chested broads out there who can't afford fake boobs are crazy for ab exercises. Suckers.