Monday, 16 September 2013


HERE'S BEYONCE ONSTAGE IN BRAZIL, keeping a safe distance from anything that might rip out her weave or smack her ass. Alas, she was no match for the shirtless lunatic she didn't even see coming.

I don't know what's going on with Beyonce lately but she's attracting loon energy from all corners of the globe. First it was some overzealous male fan slapping her butt in Denmark, then it was an electrical fan trying to tear her weave out with its bare hands in Montreal, and now some shirtless idiot tried to drag her off stage during a performance in Brazil. (Which, as I am fond of reminding everyone, is pretty much my homeland so I'm just going to assume this guy was a tourist.) 

To her credit, Beyonce did not order him neutered or beheaded the way a certain celebrity diva might have. In fact, she told her bodyguards to remain "calm" and carried on with the show without missing a beat. The lesson here being that there are rules. They're confusing rules, I grant you (one would expect nothing less of the Illuminati), so I've attempted to decipher them for you should you ever find yourself at a Beyonce concert and feeling the urge to act crazy. As near as I can tell, the rules are:  
Hair-pulling: Permissible
Attempted abduction: Permissible
Buttock slapping: Death by firing squad
Publishing of ugly, non-Beyonce-approved photos of Beyonce: Code blue! Code blue! IMMEDIATE TERMINATION OF THE INTERNET!

Click here for a hilarious GIF of Beyonce's face at the exact moment the Brazilian nutter attempts to haul her offstage. I'm sure Jay-Z will take care of this.