Friday, 27 September 2013

DAY FIVE OF ABSTINENCE: I THINK WE'RE DONE HERE

I'M GOING TO GO AHEAD AND SAY I AM HAVING a helluva good time in this photo, taken somewhere, sometime. Alas, I have no recollection of it. Although come to think of it, that dress does look awfully familiar ...

YAY! It's Friday! You know what that means? It means I get to have an entire sixty pounder of vodka a cocktail! Because if you remember, I took a bizarre vow of temperance on Sunday and pledged not to touch a drop for an entire week. Of course I didn't really think I'd keep that vow any more than I kept my vow of chastity, but here's the thing: it was actually pretty easy. Unfortunately, it's beginning to look like I owe my success to transference, because two friends who read my abstinence post decided to try it too and immediately went on the worst benders of their life.

My fear is that that might happen to me tonight. If it does, you can be sure someone will take pictures, because look at this weird image that somehow wound up on my phone.
I stumbled across it while enjoying yet another night of fabulous insomnia, brought on by ... oh, I don't know, maybe the eight cups of coffee I've replaced wine with, or maybe the steady diet of stress and chocolate. (My doctor has taken to doing this every time I pay a visit *closes eyes tight, presses hands to temple, hisses "How 'bout broccoli? Do ya think you could just tell me you eat broccoli once in awhile so I don't have to deal with this fucking migraine you're giving me?"*

So I was lying there, fully awake and using the time productively by taking and then deleting photos of myself on my phone when I came across this one. Please don't ask me to explain what's going on here, because I don't remember. I literally cannot remember a thing about it. It's obvious that I am having a pretty good time, laughing uproariously at something that probably isn't funny at all while simultaneously trying to mount a picnic table. I have no doubt liquor was in some way involved. And so was a video. But I've just deleted that because if that sort of thing were to leak out you people would never be able to take me seriously again. 

EDITOR'S NOTE: A video! Was it the sex tape? 
MY NOTE: What do you mean "the sex tape?" You know about this?
EDITOR'S NOTE: *tilts fedora, winks lasciviously* Now is it coming back to you?
MY NOTE: AAAAAAAAAAARRRGHHH!!! You said you were Ryan Gosling! *dives out tenth-floor window*