Tuesday, 3 September 2013

JENNIFER LOPEZ IS ON COSMO AND NOW I FEEL FAT

JENNIFER LOPEZ PROMISES TO TELL US 
"why she will not be ignored." I don't even have
 to read the article to know the reason is 
"see-through pants."
Wednesday is bad enough in an ordinary week. In the week after a long weekend, it feels like it goes on for friggin-ever. So what I like to do to cheer my friends up at a time like this is bombard them with images of bronzed, gorgeous women with photoshopped abs, hair styled by an army of talented homosexuals and perky breasts the likes of which none of us have ever had. (OK, maybe some of us had, in that brief glorious two months after we reached our physical peak and before we got knocked up.) Or, more succinctly, JLo. 

Yes, the one and only Jennifer Lopez, who not unlike Geraldo Rivera somehow grows younger and more sexually attractive with each passing year, graces the cover of the October issue of Cosmopolitan. Which is always a total piece of shat and yet which I am probably going to buy this month because I just noticed it has some very useful information inside. Particularly "The Scary Thing 90% of Men Fantasize About." (I'll bet it's this.)

EDITOR'S NOTE: Why is every single headline on this magazine cover about sex?

MY NOTE: Well they tried this new thing two months ago where every single headline was about Gwyneth Paltrow's yogurt recipes, but it just didn't sell.