Sunday, 29 September 2013

JUSTIN BIEBER AUDITIONS FOR A DAMN GOOD SPANKING



"Justin? Honey? We love you. We're here to tell you it's not a crime to be witless. In fact, in your natural habitat of Hollywood, it's practically a prerequisite. In which case you are clearly a king among witless men. But as God is my witness, if you don't step away from the Instagram, we're sending you back to Stratford for good." 

That's my rough draft for an intervention I'm planning on staging for Justin Bieber in the event he responds to my borderline-stalkerish requests that he pay me a visit.
Because in case you haven't heard, Justin has plumbed new depths of stupidity, depths never before thought humanly possible, by not only mocking a distraught Intervention guest whose father is a crack addict (Editor's Note: Not Lamar Odom, we all know he's shooting blanks) but also filming it and posting it to Instagram. 

Because I feel a sick need to justify everything my little Canadian hillbilly does, I am going to assume the lad thinks he's method acting. C'mon, that "cry" is pretty amazing. I got goosebumps,didn't you? And that moustache! The man simply oozes testosterone. (Psst, Justin: May I recommend shaving your lip fuzz? As a woman of Latino descent, I can assure you that shaving that shit will make it grow in like a Burt Reynolds 'stache by morning.)

Alas, exactly zero people are buying my defence, in fact Justin is in hot water with just about everybody who has viewed the video, particularly the addiction specialist whose episode he's mocking. TMZ reports that Candy Finnigan wants his nuts on a platter. (Except haha, the joke's on her, they haven't come in yet!) 
Watch the video, above, and see if you think A) Candy's just being a tight-ass or B) Justin Bieber is the new Robert de Niro. No, I'm sorry, there are no other options. And may I recommend that you go with B)