|BLUE IVY TESTS HER SEA LEGS ABOARD JAY-Z's YACHT|
Is it wrong to be obsessively, insanely jealous of perfectly sweet, innocent toddlers? It isn't? Great! Because I am literally powerless before the bubbling volcano of envy that erupts inside of me every time I see a photo of some clueless baby who is living the life I should be living, through no stellar accomplishment on their part other than simply exiting an A-lister's birth canal. Get a load of these pictures of Blue Ivy (Pedigree: Sired by Jay-Z, delivered unto us by Beyonce) toddling around on a luxury yacht and Harper (Pedigree: Sired by Becks, delivered unto us by Posh), being fed something, anything, could be crack pudding for all I know, who friggin' cares WHAT it is, it's being bottle-fed to her by the chiseled, tatted arms of David goddam Beckham! It's an outrage! A disgrace! An abomination!
EDITOR'S NOTE: I apologize on behalf of everyone, everywhere, for that rant up there. They're just innocent children, for God's sake.
MY NOTE: DO YOU THINK BLUE IVY EVEN KNOWS SHE'S ON A YACHT? She could be on a sticky flophouse carpet for all she knows or cares! It's not fair! It's ... *thwack!!!* Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z
EDITOR'S NOTE: *flexes wrist, winces* Whew. It's getting harder and harder to knock this bitch out.