Wednesday, 4 September 2013

I'M SORRY, J LO, BUT YOUR BUTT HAS BEEN CANCELLED

J Lo, Jennifer Lopez,
FOR THOSE WHO ARE KEEPING SCORE, 
this butt, once considered the finest the world had to offer, is now considered very 1990s by the experts at TMZ. I can't even imagine what year they'd give MY butt.

So I guess I jumped the gun on all that Jennifer Lopez gushing yesterday because TMZ has done a hard-hitting investigative piece that clearly proves she no longer has the best butt in the business. And in case you're a scholarly type who won't accept that sort of creationist challenge without scientific evidence to back it up, they've done the leg-work. To wit: zooming in on J Lo's famous bumper in an ill-fitting, ugly pantsuit that somehow manages to flatten her arse while puffing up her muffin tops. 
In my day (which was never), a personal assistant could get fired for a stunt like that. 

So who are the new princesses of the posterior, you ask? 
You don't ask? Well then why the hell are you here? This is a place of utter pap and irreverence, people! One doesn't go to Golden Griddle and then start flinging plates around in a rage because bacon-wrapped chateaubriand is not on offer, does one? No, one does not. Honestly, you guys. I stay up late and work my fingers to the nub to bring you the best piffle I can find and this is the thanks I get? You know what? Feck it! I'm not even going to TELL you who has the new best butt in Hollywood! *flounces off in a huff, trailing toilet paper on shoe. Which no one notices because they're staring at her butt*

EDITOR'S NOTE: Kim Kardashian, Mel B and Nicki Minaj.
MY NOTE: Shut up! Nicki Minaj's butt is fake! She's instantly disqualified! And so are you!
EDITOR'S NOTE: Let's never bring up this subject again.