Sunday, 6 October 2013


We be sexin' before we be readin'!' 
Which, as ridiculous as it sounds, 
actually explains a lot about 
the hot mess that is Chris Brown.
Chris Brown's mouth has now officially surpassed his fists as his own worst enemy. Because listen to what this lunatic just told a reporter in the full expectation that it would immediately go viral: "I lost my virginity when I was 8."  

And why do you think the Brown-ness would give us such haunting, unasked-for visuals? So we would finally pity him, right? Oh heavens no. He gave up on getting you heartless bastards to feel sorry for him for beating the crap out of Rihanna ages ago. No, he's sharing this little tidbit because he's proud of it.

Brown told the Guardian about the childhood encounter with a teenage girl in rural Virginia, saying “it’s different in the country.”
Back in Virginny, he bragged, folks look at porn early and often. They're "hot to trot" at a tender age, and hey, it's not like he did it with a goat or anything. (Those suckers fight back!) 
“So, at eight, being able to do it, it kind of preps you for the long run, so you can be a beast at it. You can be the best at it,” he said. He actually said.

He went on to refer to himself as a "walking art piece" and to muse that beating Rihanna was an excellent "wakeup call" and made him a better person. 
And then he ended the interview by revealing a carefully hidden scar at the back of his skull and explaining that his brain was removed and replaced with a lump of turd when he was 7.

EDITOR'S NOTE: I thought Chris Brown said he was quitting music and going away. I was looking forward to that.
MY NOTE: This just in: Chris Brown is sometimes unreliable.