Tuesday, 1 October 2013


Kate Upton dating
So it’s true. Kate Upton’s boobs are dating DWTS pro Maksim Chmerkovskiy, whom I have never heard of because my editor is not doing his job. (We talked about this in the interview, you moron: Pictures of hot single men, served to me on a daily basis with my coffee and overproof rum.)    

This pairing makes perfect sense on a cosmic, cellular level. I love it when beautiful people get together, nothing confuses me more than ugly men with exponentially hotter women, or vice versa, or a geezer with a child bride. 

And  yes, I am referring to you directly, Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart, although I could easily have been referring to Michael Douglas or Seal or Salman Rushdie or any of a whole bunch of other uggos whose wives have since come to their senses and divorced them before flooding the planet with mutant potato head children. Because the world does not need any more of these.  (*holds up picture of Rumer Willis*)