Thursday, 10 October 2013

PREGNANCY UPDATE: SIX MONTHS AND WE LOOK GREAT

IF THERE'S ONE THING I DESPISE 
it's (other) people who JonBenet 
their offspring. Doesn't my daughter 
look totes cuties in this pic 
she sent me in the full expectation 
I would respect her privacy?




 
You may remember a few posts back when I verbally sodomized the Baldwin cartel for being such shameless fame sluts. If I have to look at one more Instagram of Ireland's goddam bangs or her ... hang on, she's just tweeted something *clicks feverishly, ogles, hisses* ... anyway, where was I? Ah yes, prostitution of one's own. I disapprove of it.

However, there are exceptions. That being me. I happen to think my daughter is astonishing and talented and exceptionally good at being cute while pregnant. She just texted me this adorable photo of her burgeoning belly (Finally! For God's sake, kid, I was beginning to wonder if you were gestating a three-ounce puff of vapour) so naturally my first reaction was: "BLOG!"

Couched, of course, in some pertinent information. Just because you've never met this young lady and in fact couldn't tell me her name if your life depended on it doesn't mean you shouldn't be privy to the intimate details. (Note to self: Live streaming of childbirth; ask moron Editor to arrange.) So our pregnancy is going swimmingly, I haven't had any bloating or cravings or hemmorhoids and you'd never guess to look at me that my daughter is this far along. Having a grandkid is the easiest thing I've ever done. I think I'll have more of them.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Do you seriously think I'm going to arrange live streaming of her childbirth when you've just called me a moron in front of the whole world?
MY NOTE: Yes, because the option would be that I publish pages 16 to 84 of the diary I stole from your desk drawer.
EDITOR'S NOTE: You scabulous bitch!
MY NOTE: So about this Gerhardt fellow ...