Friday, 4 October 2013


If God had not wanted me to relapse, 
he would not have invented patios. 
And sunshine. And Corona. 
I may look like a goddess, 
but I am only human, you guys. 
Only human.

I'll be honest. I was  going to try to pass this photo off as having being taken today. Meaning Friday. Meaning a day on which I am legitimately allowed to drink (please refer to this earlier post in which I for some insane reason decided to give up the demon liquor on weekdays). Except, oops, busted, because Friday was pissing with rain and it's obviously sunny and clear in this photo. 

So the truth? I had a relapse. I had a beer on Thursday because God told me He wanted me to. Unless I totally misread that "unseasonably warm and sunny so hie thee to a patio" message. And really, it was just ONE FRIGGIN BEER. After the week I had, it's a miracle I didn't fellate an entire tractor-trailer load of king cans, so as far as I'm concerned, I deserve a goddam Congressional Medal of Honour. I believe the Canadian version of that would be a nickel-plated moose teat. 

Whoops. Sorry. Is this all sounding kind of Lamar Odom? This is all sounding kind of Lamar Odom, isn't it? I think I'd better cut this post short so I can turn my full attention to this astonishing bottle of J. Lohr Syrah that Jesus Christ Our Lord personally placed in my hands as a reward for staying sober and being pretty and, most importantly, reaming the bejeebers out of Miley AND Sinead AND the Biebs this week. I'm doing the Lord's work here, people. You really need to do more to support me . . . Ooooph! *tumbles down, throws up on Editor's shoes*

EDITOR'S NOTE: For feck's sake. My good Manolos! I'm obviously going to have to start taking Fridays off.