Thursday, 21 November 2013


Ceelo, date rape case, whorrified,
CEELO GREEN ENTERS COURT in Los Angeles on ridiculous charges he fed a woman ecstasy so she'd forget he's 4'1" and creepy.
TMZ video framegrab

I've been avoiding the whole "Ceelo date rape case" because I have this weird thing about pervert dwarves. In case you too have been avoiding the case because it gives you the dry heaves, here's the Coles notes version: The Crazy hitmaker is accused of giving a woman ecstasy (the drug, not the emotion) at a restaurant. The woman claims the incident led to her being naked in his bed with no apparent knowledge of how she got there. Prosecutors declined to file a rape count against the singer because of insufficient evidence and now say "there's a lot more to this case than meets the eye."
In other words, this isn't going away, so I guess I'm going to have to acknowledge it. Which is unfortunate for Ceelo because as my opening sentence clearly indicates, I've already pronounced him guilty on the grounds that anyone who looks like Ceelo cannot possibly have convinced a woman to crawl into his teeny tiny bed and have sex with him unless she was out of her mind on peyote, at the very least. My God, just look at him! Every nightmare I've ever had about being sexually assaulted by a satyr featured an apparition who looked EXACTLY like this guy. GUILTY! Ahem. Er, you may proceed with your opening arguments, counsellor. No, wait! GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!!! What? *shakes head, shivers uncontrollably* Sorry. Sorry. Yes, go ahead ...