Wednesday, 13 November 2013


Miranda Kerr, Self Magazine, Whorrified,
featuring Miranda Kerr. Buy it, won't you? 
She really needs the cheering up.
I admit it. I was worried about poor homely Miranda Kerr. Cruelly dumped by her husband Orlando Bloom, it seemed she was set adrift with nothing but her career, her money, her dimples and her six-foot-long legs to buoy her. Which is why I was so happy to see she had somehow scored the December cover of Self magazine, a lovely humanitarian gesture I just assumed was a mercy casting on their part.

I was also happy to learn from the interview in the magazine that Miranda is keeping her spirits up by eating healthy meals (sauerkraut and avocado for breakfast, lentil soup and steamed vegetables for dinner, why aside from the bucket of shiraz for lunch, that's MY menu to the letter), keeping a positive attitude and practising tantric bending in yoga pants and not much else. In this shot, she appears to be forming the letters to the words "Miss me, bitch?" with her body. Why ... she ... it's ... good lord, woman! My pity was obviously directed at the wrong person in this divorce. Why don't you just take a harpoon and stab Orlando in the eye with it? It would be less painful.