Thursday, 28 November 2013


Nick Cannon, Mariah Carey, Mariah kids, Morocco and Monroe, Whorrified,
MARIAH CAREY POSTED THIS PIC ON INSTAGRAM of her family preparing for Thanksgiving. Which Nick immediately ruined by pointing out the many ways that Thanksgiving is rape.

It's American Thanksgiving, which is enough to make me want to switch nationalities just so I can get in on another turkey dinner, but that would be shallow. And I am anything but shallow, as this post right here clearly demonstrates. But since you brought it up, let's talk about Nick Cannon.

You'd think that someone like Nick, whose reason for being famous no one could name if their life depended on it and yet somehow he wound up married to Mariah Carey, would have many things to be thankful for. But no. Like most stupid people, he's overthinking things when all he should really be doing is eating pie, changing the twins' nappies and massaging Mimi's feet in the manner specifically set out in their prenup. I'm not a man-ho and even I know that's all he has to do if he wants to continue waking up in 3,000 thread count Egyptian sheets for the rest of his natural life.

But a funny thing happens when a man marries up: he gets uppity. Hence this painful post in which Nick sanctimoniously ruins the Thanksgiving mood, taking things way too fucking seriously and turning it into a guilt-ridden history lesson instead of what it's supposed to be: a festival of stuffing and gluttony. 
Here's Nick's Instagram message, below. (My cretin editor actually thinks it's going to change the world. Ba-a-HAHHAAAAAAAAAA!)
'How do I explain to my kids that the first Thanksgiving was really just a meal before the Europeans jacked the Natives for their land?/ We didn’t land on Plymouth Rock, Plymouth Rock landed on us… Now pass me the pecan pie! Thou shall not steal… ‘But the Pilgrims did’… ARGHH!!! Shut up and eat this damn Turkey!!! I’m rocking with the Native Americans, Change the name of the Redskins and stop using the term ‘indian giver’ Now pass the cranberry sauce! Cranberry sauce has to be the nastiest thing about Thanksgiving… next to Small Pox! Thanksgiving, another textbook case of the victors writing the history. #hopsoffthesoapbox.