|'I THINK THIS LASAGNE NEEDS MORE GIN' |
Me, preparing baby shower food in a rare moment
of domesticity. The things I do for my children ...
I came home to zero new material and a three-quarters-empty bottle of cheap gin ... or as I like to call it, breakfast ... so I guess I'll just have to do this sober. Much as I did the baby shower. I wasn't even allowed to slip a mickey into the punch because of all the overprotected ankle-biters in the room. Why, I can't even remember how many times I got tipsy off baby shower punch when I was an ankle-biter, and I turned out just fine. As you can clearly see from this photo right here.
On the bright side, I did manage to sneak a half cup of shiraz into the lasagne everyone later raved about (haha!) and the rest of the bottle into myself while I was making it. Much like some elected officials, I do some of my most memorable work while in a drunken stupor.
But all liquor jokes aside, folks (I can do it; I know I can do it), the shower was a huge
LET'S FETE THE MOTHER-TO-BE!
The fun begins by making her guests wear nametags and loudly recounting embarrassing anecdotes about their childhood: "Hey, Andrea, remember when you ran out of my bathroom naked, screaming that the toilet bit you? Bahahaha!" ...
... then moves on to making the mother-to-be the butt of games that include measuring her belly in front of onlookers
... using gifts to lure her into a chair that will make it look like her head has sprouted boobs
... and finally, capping it off with the traditional baby-shower-bonnet-of-doom. "Smile! Aw, great pic, hon! (snicker)
DAUGHTER'S NOTE Dear Mom: Thanks for "helping" with the baby shower. Unfortunately, my husband and I have decided that your services as my mother will no longer be required.