Monday, 11 November 2013


Me, preparing baby shower food in a rare moment 
of domesticity. The things I do for my children ... 
In case any of you are wondering what took me so long to post today, it's my editor's fault. As are all typos, factual errors and libelous comments. (I have his home address if you wish to complain or vandalize his property; email me, we'll talk.) Because while I was helping to throw my daughter an epic baby shower yesterday, he was supposed to be doing celebrity research but apparently thought his time would be better spent picking the lock to my liquor cabinet and getting absolutely shit-hammered. 

I came home to zero new material and a three-quarters-empty bottle of cheap gin ... or as I like to call it, breakfast ... so I guess I'll just have to do this sober. Much as I did the baby shower. I wasn't even allowed to slip a mickey into the punch because of all the overprotected ankle-biters in the room. Why, I can't even remember how many times I got tipsy off baby shower punch when I was an ankle-biter, and I turned out just fine. As you can clearly see from this photo right here.
On the bright side, I did manage to sneak a half cup of shiraz into the lasagne everyone later raved about (haha!) and the rest of the bottle into myself while I was making it. Much like some elected officials, I do some of my most memorable work while in a drunken stupor.

But all liquor jokes aside, folks (I can do it; I know I can do it), the shower was a huge teetotalling success, replete with ridiculous amounts of no booze food, family, laughter and gifts. My daughter's house absolutely overflowed unlike my wine glass with love and happiness, and it was a beautiful thing to see. And now, for your further viewing pleasure, please enjoy this gallery of completely sober photographs of the mother-to-be being humiliated in true baby shower tradition merlot shiraz reisling BombaySapphire. Whew. *pops cork*  Nailed it!


The fun begins by making her guests wear nametags and loudly recounting embarrassing anecdotes about their childhood: "Hey, Andrea, remember when you ran out of my bathroom naked, screaming that the toilet bit you? Bahahaha!" ...

... then moves on to making the mother-to-be the butt of games that include measuring her belly in front of onlookers 

... using gifts to lure her into a chair that will make it look like her head has sprouted boobs

... and finally, capping it off with the traditional baby-shower-bonnet-of-doom. "Smile! Aw, great pic, hon! (snicker

DAUGHTER'S NOTE Dear Mom: Thanks for "helping" with the baby shower. Unfortunately, my husband and I have decided that your services as my mother will no longer be required.