Wednesday, 4 December 2013


Amber Rose, Instagram, weight loss, Whorrified,
Here we have Amber Rose, gold-digging stripper turned philanthropist,
 doing what no celebrity has ever done before: taking selfies with her arse hanging out. Except that unlike Kim Kardashian or Miley Cyrus, Amber is using her selfie powers for good. She wants you heifers to know that it's okay to take your time getting your pre-pregnancy shape back, just like the peasants do. Why it's been nine whole months since she shat out her little meal ticket and she's only just now feeling comfortable tweeting inappropriate pictures of herself in her bedroom for the entire world to see. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.) And because sometimes a picture actually isn't worth a thousand words, she also provided some pearls of illiterate wisdom such as the perils of undergoing surgery to get your figger back instead of relying on dieting and exercise, which no one but a celebrity would ever need to be reminded of, but thanks for caring. (I took the liberty of running her bon mots through Google translator's "Grade 4 dropout" app or we'd be here all night trying to figure it out.) So, in the words of Amber Rose, wife of rapper Wiz Khalifa and den mother to the world:
"Losing baby weight the natural way takes longer but its much healthier for ur body ... so don't put ur health at risk for societies standards of when ur suppose to lose ur pregnancy weight. Take ur time."
I notice she doesn't mention the therapeutic slimming powers of dying your hair green and getting tatts, but I'm sure that helps too. It's probably some closely guarded celebrity secret, like barfing after every meal and pretending it was the sushi.

EDITOR'S NOTE: That's her bedroom? It looks pretty lame for a rich-people bedroom. 
MY NOTE: Have you not been paying attention again, Editor? Just like Mother Teresa, she chooses to live like the common man.