Saturday, 14 December 2013

BEYONCE MADE THE INTERNET HAVE A STROKE

Beyonce album, Partition, Grown Woman, Whorrified,
HERE'S BEYONCE PRETENDING TO BE A FREAKY LEOPARD-PRINT STRIPPER in one of her new videos. Because being regular sexy bajillionaire Beyonce is ... boring?

How powerful is Beyonce, really? Well let's see. Together with her husband Jay-Z, she made $95 million last year. She lip-synced sang the national anthem at President Barack Obama's inauguration. She headlined the Super Bowl halftime show and made the world forget there was also a football game going on. 
And then yesterday, she made the Internet have a stroke.

I'm sure you've heard by now that Beyonce released a surprise "visual album" overnight with no warning whatsoever and the ensuing download frenzy crashed iTunes. Beyonce said she finds the traditional method of album release "boring" and she didn't want to be told when to release her album, she wanted to release it when it was ready. Which is the most shamelessly self-aggrandizing gesture since Oprah bought her own goddam television network, and also the textbook definition of powerful.

So is this all coming together for you? Are you beginning to come to the realization that she is, in fact, Jesus? Ah, Beyonce: you've gotta love her ... otherwise you'll simply vanish. There will be no questions asked, no search party will go looking for you, you'll simply have ceased to exist. (It's called the Illuminati. But you didn't hear that from me and I'll deny it if they ask. Or blame it on my editor.)

In case you're too cheap to buy it, here are some teasers from Bey's new album. It's pretty friggin awesome and I'm not just saying that because I'm afraid of being sued ...

GROWN WOMAN (Warning: Twerking)

MINE (Warning: Drake)

PARTITION (Warning: Strippers)