Monday, 23 December 2013

WHORRIFIED'S GUIDE TO SURVIVING AN ICE STORM

THE AFTERMATH: NOT FAR FROM MY MOM'S HOUSE
All I can say is this crap better be cleared up by Christmas; I have presents to receive!


Before signing off to celebrate the birth of Christ (Editor's note: She's going to rehab; I will not enable her in these sinful deceptions OH SHIT DID SHE HEAR ME? "My Duck Dynasty friends made me say that!"), I was going to gift you with a ribald farewell post studded with drunken Photoshopped selfies. 

But then this goddam ice storm happened, because apparently denying global warming is the same thing as telling Mother Nature she has a small penis so now we're all being clobbered senseless with her well-endowed prowess. The storm struck with a vengeance last night, and while it was somewhat amusing watching people slip and fall on the treacherous sidewalks for awhile, the novelty quickly wore off when the power went out and I realized my ice cube maker (you may know it as a "fridge") was going to be down for the entire night. Have you ever had a rum on the rocks with no rocks? Now I know how those people in the Third World feel. Fortunately I have great neighbours who can turn any catastrophe into a party, and so we poured drinks, we played music on our cellphones, we danced, we laughed ... we were having so much fun that when the power came back on we were like, "Awww..."

Unfortunately, others aren't faring nearly as well. Many of my friends and family are still without power and aren't reading this right now (so if you'd like to spread a rumour about them now would be the time). I spent the entire day Sunday checking up on loved ones and let me tell you, it was exhausting. Plus it ruined my Christmas shopping plans. How am I supposed to buy you the perfect cheap gift when I'm busy shovelling your ridiculously long driveway and making sure you haven't succumbed to hypothermia? Honestly! When your power comes back on you owe me a dinner and cocktails. Actually, just forget the dinner. I don't want to put you to any extra trouble after all you've been through. You'll call me the second your ice cube maker comes back on, won't you? I worry about all of you so . . . 

EDITOR'S NOTE: *expectant pause* And obviously she's not going to say it so I will: Happy holidays to each and every one of you. We are totally bemused by the fact that any of you bother to read this shat but we sure are grateful that you do. We'll be back in about a week, when one of us will be completely sober and the other will probably be wearing her pants on her head. These rehab centres just aren't what they used to be ... 

ICE STORM SURVIVAL TIPS FROM THE PROS
HOW THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE COPE WITH ICE STORMS: LIQUOR 
 I find even the most devastating natural disaster is manageable if you pour enough booze into it.
HOW YOUNG PEOPLE COPE WITH ICE STORMS: TEXTING 
 I can't imagine what they could possibly be saying that's more important than building a fire so they can stay warm, but I imagine it's something like this: 
"Yo, you got power?"
 "Nope. You?" 
"Naw" 
"Cool" 
"LOL" 
"Freezyface"

HOW OLD PEOPLE COPE WITH ICE STORMS: TIMMIES
 There were downed branches blocking the drive-thru and ice falling onto car rooftops and yet the lineup was thirty deep because when your world is teetering, you'll do anything to feel normal again. And also because Tim Hortons puts crack in their coffee.