EDITOR'S NOTE:*groans, retches, rolls back over into snowbank*
The delightful Page Six ran a celebrity "holiday selfies" gallery that I made the fatal error of viewing and now I've had to purge them from my system with these bilious observations. Forthwith, some of my favourites:
KELLY OSBOURNE (whom I suddenly realize looks exactly like a young Dame Edna). If that thing popped out of my stocking I'd assume it was a mutant whack-a-mole and club it senseless.
RIHANNA looking suspiciously like she just smoked an entire Christmas tree.
DWAYNE 'The Rock' JOHNSON freaking his kids out by wearing his veins on the outside.
SNOOP LION at the exact moment he saw Rihanna's selfie and realized he's an amateur.
CARA DELEVINGNE making me wonder three things: 1) Where's the rest of that turkey? 2) So supermodels' brains really are made of stuffing? 3) Why isn't this crazy broad my best friend?
KENDALL, KIM AND KANYE failing to notice that their initials form the unfortunate acronym "KKK."
A 'ROID-ADDLED HULK HOGAN overreacting to the fact that he accidentally got Heather Mills' present and she got his. (Heather: "What the fuck am I supposed to do with an inflatable doll that looks like Hulk Hogan's best friend's wife? I SPECIFICALLY SAID CASH GIFTS ONLY!!!")