Tuesday, 17 December 2013

I HAVEN'T THE HEART TO TELL HER SANTA'S NOT REAL

Editor, Pig Face, Whorrified,
AW, ISN'T THIS ADORABLE? 
I got Pig Face a set of booties to keep her dirty little feet warm and she just loves them! 


Dear Santa: 

I know I'm just a pig dog but apparently you brought gifts to Rob and Doug Ford when they were kids so obviously you're not too picky. Besides, I'm desperate. It's ... well it's my owners. They're treating me like a dog. 

It was bad enough when they nicknamed me Pig Face and it stuck. But now that I'm spending my first full winter with them it's like they've never seen a fucking wet dog before. (Sorry for cursing. It's one of the many bad habits I've picked up from these imbeciles. I'm drinking a 26-er a day now too, and I even smoke occasionally if I can get my mitts on a fag ... ) I get paw prints on their shiny hardwood and they're all "Omigawd, my floors! I just washed them!" Yeah well maybe you should have got yourselves a goddam FISH then, hey?

Anyway, I put up with all that crap because Dogos are remarkably good-natured (although I will admit we have the most potent farts of any breed. I dare you to inhale after I've dropped one; it's like Hiroshima) but then they started this "dog booties" thing. They put them on me before I go outside and I slip around in the snow like I'm wearing glass slippers AND ALL THE OTHER DOGS LAUGH AT ME! Oh, but "it's okay, it's fine, it's frickin wonderful" because when I am finally allowed to return to the hallowed sanctuary they can remove these ridiculous little fuckers and their saintly floors remain unmolested. Honestly, Santa. It's only mid-December and I'm already on the verge of going Rottweiler on these two. 

So please, I'm begging you: new owners for Christmas. Betty White would be nice, but at this point I'll take anyone. Anyone at all. I'm not in a position to be choosy. Er, wait ... not Michael Vick. But anyone else. 
Love, Pig Feet

PIG FACE'S NOTE: Shit! I meant Pig Face. See what I mean? Does anyone out there even remember my real name? You there, reading this craptastic blog in the pathetic hope there'll be boobs. Do you know my real name?
EDITOR'S NOTE: Er, Pig Boobs? Dog Boobs? Rumpelstiltsboobs?

PIG FACE'S NOTE: Correction. "Anyone but Michael Vick and Whorrified's moron editor."