Sunday, 1 December 2013

KARDASHIANS INFECT US WITH KHRISTMAS KANCER

Kardashian Christmas card, Khristmas Kard, Kim Kardashian, Whorrified,
The 2013 Kardashian Khristmas card
David LaChappelle
In accordance with their family motto, "Nothing matters until we've shat silicone all over it," the Kardashians have officially launched the festive season by issuing their yearly Khristmas card that's right, just like the Hajj, it's an annual rite of passage — and it is spectacular in its ghastliness. It features the "ladies" in various states of Egyptian Vegas pulchritude, and if it seems different from last year's card, that's because Kim Kardashian's butt triples in size every time somebody gets a divorce. So let's just give it some growing room while we get down to the business of mocking this card from tits to arse, shall we? It's becoming its own tradition.

Man drought: Since their men would clearly prefer to risk death by stripper cooties than spend even one more second in their wives' clutches, the Kardashian women went with an all-female card theme. Which is why you can look till your eyes glaze over but you won't find Lamar Odom (prefers the cheery ambience of crackhouses to listening to Khloe talk about nothing but ovulating), Scott Disick (only ever home long enough to grab a bottle of Henny and some fresh underpants), Kanye (too genius; wanted his own card) or Rob (never really fit in anyway).  

On the other hand: 
We do have Bruce Jenner, suddenly realizing his escape was just a dream.


Wheaties:  
Really? You hate him that much that you have to take TWO digs at him in one card? Surely O.J. deserves some of that venom.


 
Elizabeth Taylor called. She wants her face back:  
Have we noticed that Kim Kardashian doesn't even look like Kim Kardashian anymore? 


If you can't hatch, snatch:  
Barren Khloe has apparently resorted to clubbing and dragging off other people's children now.  
 
Doesn't ham ever go bad? 
Good lord, Kris Jenner's 58-year-old leg! Surely to God that wasn't necessary.

EDITOR'S NOTE: I think what's missing here is more Kardashians. Click here for a gallery of Kardashian cards throughout the years.