Tuesday, 3 December 2013


Haiti, Madonna, Sean Penn, Whorrified,
A FRESHLY BOTOXED MADONNA posted this Instagram of herself in Haiti. 
Which can only mean one thing: orphan shopping. No wait, two things: orphan shopping and reuniting with Sean Penn. 

Rumours are swirling that Madonna and Sean Penn are rekindling their love in the hopelessly romantic disaster zone of Haiti, where Sean runs a humanitarian aid project. Which strikes me as ridiculous because if I’ve learned anything from my record-breaking number of divorces it’s that strongheaded women and strongheaded men just don’t get along. (And also that marriage is bullshit fed to us by the same patriarchal jerks who fed us the Bible, porn and residential schools. Right about now it’s beginning to dawn on you why being married to me might have been difficult.) You may remember (if you’re old) that this strongheaded twosome once fought so virulently they were known as the Poison Penns. So of course they never really got over each other because the toxic relationships are the hardest ones to end, she said knowingly. In other words, this rumour might actually be true and by this time next week we'll be hearing that they're getting remarried and by this time next month we'll be hearing that they're getting redivorced. Ah hell, make it this time next year. No one will call me a cynic.