Saturday, 31 December 2016

WHORRIFIED'S GUIDE TO SURVIVING NEW YEAR'S EVE

Will Ferrell, Anchorman 2, Whorrified,
OH STOP BAWLING, RON BURGUNDY
I'll be back in two days three, max.
Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues

Making New Year's Eve plans? Allow me to weigh in, because if there's one thing I know like the back of my butt it's revelling. And Ryan Gosling's naked loins, but I'm trying to keep this one family-ish. So if you're underage stop reading right now and go help your dad's girlfriend clean the house. Whatever you do, don't stay here and click on this link and ogle the boobs. (Why, you little brat!) 

There are five things I'd like to caution you against this New Year's Eve and throughout the new year, mostly because I need all of you to be alive and reading my blog in 2014 but also because I care. 
Rest assured that I will be personally observing every single one of these recommendations tonight except one of them. And it isn't No. 2. Or No. 3. Or  ... (Editor's note: Oh fer fuck's sake. They know. They know!)

1. Don't drink too much.
2. Don't forget to wear pants. It's going to be minus-yourtesticles out there tonight.
3. Don't get on a moped. Unless you only need one of your legs.
4. Don't come to Brampton. It's ugly and there's nothing here to see because the power's probably out.
5. Don't go to see American Hustle. Will Ferrell's hairy arse in Anchorman 2, that's what you need to be looking at when 2014 rolls in.

And that's about it. I may have forgotten something but I can blame that on my moron Editor later, so y'all go and have yourselves a fantastic New Year's. See you next year! *shakes tassles, opens tequila bottle with her teeth*
EDITOR! LET'S DO THIS! 

MORON EDITOR'S NOTE: Dear God. I can feel her hangover already.
MY NOTE: *positions bottle carefully* Here darling, have some champagne. I insist ...