Saturday, 21 December 2013

'MEH, IT'S JUST KIM IN A BIKINI AGAIN,' SAID EVERYBODY

Kim Kardashian, Duck Dynasty, WHorrified,
THIS WEEK'S US WEEKLY COVER, 
which apparently is going for 
negative-zero sales because it's got 
two Kardashians, Jennifer Aniston 
and them dang ol' gay-hating 
Duck Dynasty hillbillies on it. 




Fantastic news! I've got an early Christmas present for you and ... what's that? No it's not a completely nude selfie; I haven't had enough vodka yet for that to happen (ask me again in half an hour). No this, I would argue, is even better: the Kardashians are losing their mojo. Page Six reports that not only are their TV ratings sinking, but their faces are failing to sell supermarket weeklies. 

“It’s over. The fatigue factor has set in,” one magazine publisher said. “None of the Kardashians, either alone or together, is selling.”

Not even the former gold standards ... Kim's giant lactating breasts ... are milking sales the way they used to. US Weekly paid $110,000 for the heavily retouched photo of Kim in a white bikini you see here, but apparently more than 100,000 of you couldn't care less because that's how much sales fell by on this issue alone. Other mags are reporting drops of between 70,000 and 50,000 when Kardashians are on the cover. 

And why is this happening, you ask, as if you've never heard of Christmas miracles?
Page Six sources blames Kanye, who is "nasty and aggressive" and people don't like him. Me, I say the die was cast long before he walked in and turned the air to nettles with his bitchface. I say we've reached our saturation point. You can't cram something into the public maw, be it delectable Belgian chocolates or greasy Armenian potatoes, on a daily basis for five years running and not expect that at some point we're going to gag. (And yes, that was sex tape innuendo. If the Kards are going down as fast as I think they are, I'm going to have to use up my jokes fast.) 
So there you go, everybody: Merry Krismas, and a Kard-free new year!

EDITOR'S NOTE: Of course the bad news is that Miley Cyrus is their obvious replacement.
MY NOTE: *clangs editor over the head with empty martini shaker* Why are you talking when you should be refilling? These nude selfies aren't going to take themselves, you know.