Saturday, 12 January 2013

IT'S SATURDAY! WHO WANTS TO TRY ON MY LOFTY LINKS?

EVERYBODY HAS A TALENT
Even Paris Hilton, who easily takes the Most Ignored award for being epically snubbed by Wonder Woman in her hour of tumbling need. See link below for confirmation of this fact.
Photo/CreStock
 

YAY! It's Saturday! Only the best day ever! And to celebrate the incredible unusualness of getting a Saturday right after a Friday, I bring you this sweet, uplifting link on the Downfalls of Celebrity, alternatively titled Celebrities Falling Down. This is a surprisingly common occurrence, because although celebrities do get to wear the biggest, baddest heels in the world, they also get photographed by paparazzi when they fall off of them. I'm not convinced it's a worthy tradeoff. Check out this link, in which Amy Poehler clearly takes the title for Most Epic Tumble, and see for yourself.

O LOOK UPON THE SPLENDOUR THAT HE HATH CREATED

SUNRISE OVER MY CITY  (Turns out God didn't forget Brampton after all!)

Everyone who knows me knows I have sleep issues. I verily believe that I have had them since I was a child, because I vividly remember being about 6, lying wide awake in my bed, looking into the quiet darkness and hearing a voice say *places hand over spot where heart would normally be* and I swear, "Hello Mimi. I am the Virgin Mary. I am here.
And I'm sure that sounds incredible to YOU, but to six-year-old me, that voice was real and it did not seem incredible at all that the Virge would be paying me a visit. (It must really break her heart to see how badly I've strayed off the "virgin" path, but God bless her, she tried.)
Anyway, point is, I don't sleep. If I nod off before 4 a.m. and stay conked out till past 8:30, that is FANTASTIC. Those early-morning hours are my best sleep time, so it is extremely rare for me to be awake for a sight such as this: A sunrise, as seen from my front porch. I only saw this one because I thought I heard the Virgin Mary asking me "Do you even know what VIRGIN means anymore?" and got up in a panic. Turns out it was just a garbage truck pulling through the townhouse complex and making an ungodly racket. I was furious at being disturbed until I saw the morning's glory. The lord works in mysterious ways . . .

Friday, 11 January 2013

PLEASE ACCEPT THIS PHOTO AS MY SINCERE APOLOGY

The one and only, as seen in the February issue of G



You know, I've been feeling just terrible ever since I posted that February GQ cover shot of Beyonce yesterday.


I mean, really.

Who nees to see a young, stunningly fit and beautiful woman in lingerie and belly chains at this time of year? It's only going to drive us nose first into a bucket of carbs, isn't it? 

So I want to apologize for that gratuitous image and give you THIS ONE, available inside the February issue of GQ magazine, instead.  
I do hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

There. I feel much better now.

INCREDIBLY, ALL MY CLOTHES SHRANK OVER CHRISTMAS

ER, YES, BUT I CAN EXPLAIN 
I've actually got two ten-pound 
weights in my underwear!

I'm blaming this one on the planet. Because if it's even one brazillimetre off its axis, it throws the magnetics and the pulleys right off. Seriously. 
I know this for a fact because I was at the doctor's yesterday and I could not find one single set of scales that worked properly. Which has nothing to do with the mashed sweet potatoes and gravy I had for lunch.

But let me back up a bit. Cuz this isn't making sense even to me. 

I was at the doctor's yesterday having my virulent full-body rash treated. (If you believed that, I'm insulted.) Actually, I was there because I am pregnant with Javier Bardem's baby. (Distinctly possible.) Actually never mind why I was there, the point is that while they were playing musical rooms with me ("You can wait in Room 2. Now you can move to Room 3 and put on this gown. Now the doctor will see you . . . in Room 4") I stepped on the scales they leave there to test your blood pressure.

And holy crap, those numbers went higher than I've ever seen them.

I was so upset I left Room 3 WITHOUT PERMISSION and found another set of scales. Oddly, that one was off too. Perspiring heavily now, I moved on to yet another set of scales, the big, "accurate" ones with the slidey bar that supposedly nails your weight down to an eighth of an ounce. And damned if that one wasn't off too.


At that point, I did what any perfectly sane woman would do. I marched to the front desk and told the receptionist their scales were off. ALL of them.

"I've never weighed that much in my life!" I told her. 

And the dirty cow actually had the temerity to shrug and say, "Oh we all gained a few over Christmas."

So I am now shopping for a new doctor and my doctor is now shopping for a new receptionist because it's going to be a while before the old one gets her new teeth put in. And we are all going to have to stay away from scales of any kind until the planet corrects itself and tells me I weigh one hundred and, er, something. 

Editor's note:
Ahem. I hate to say it, but you do look a little . . .. healthier lately.
My note: Tonight I think I'll have some roast editor with my mashed sweet potatoes.


IT'S FRIDAY! WHO WANTS TO SMOKE MY RAGGA LINKS?

'I WAS JUST HOLDING IT FOR A FRIEND'  
Photo/CreStock


There are a lot of very obviously false rumours going around about Canada's favourite singing eunuch, Justin Bieber. For starters, some sneaky rat who partied with him posted a slew of pix of the Biebs holding what is clearly just a big weedy home-rolled cigarette in a blunt wrap and now everyone thinks the Biebs is smoking the reef. Puh-leeze. White Canadian boys JUST DON'T DO THAT!

Days later, the Biebs' bodyguard, who looks way too old to be protecting anyone but osteoarthritic spinsters, sued the Biebs for assault. Which can't possibly have happened because people who smoke weed aren't violent!

Incidentally, Justin Bieber's mentor, Akon (note to self: whatever happened to Akon?), says he's going to give the Biebs a darn good talking-to about this alleged weed-smoking incident. Tommy Chong, on the other hand (note to self: he's still alive?) is so proud of the Biebs he could burst. CLICK HERE to see Tommy making almost no sense at all as he rationalizes the Biebs' healthy new habit.

Thursday, 10 January 2013

BEYONCE CRUSHES OUR LIES WITH HER ROCK-HARD ABS

OH. HERE'S A SHOCKER: 
GQ Magazine thinks Beyonce is one of the sexiest women
 of the 21st century. Hmm. Yeah, I guess she's all right. 

WEIGHT-GAIN EXCUSE NUMBER 1: 
"I had a baby and my body never recovered." 


SHOT TO HELL BY:  
Big shout out to GQ magazine and Beyonce for a stellar team effort in exposing this pathetic lie. Extra points to Bey for giving men everywhere the handy rejoinder, "Well Beyonce had a baby and she looks even hotter now!" 


EXTRA POINTS TO
Beyonce, for not only ruining our lies and our lives, but also for rocking zippered underwear, belly chains and . . . for the love of God, woman, I know you're trying to outdo Rihanna's GQ cover shoot, but did you have to take it all the way to UNDERBOOB?

TAYLOR'S RELATIONSHIPS ONLY GO IN ONE DIRECTION


HELLO, I'M TAYLOR SWIFT. I LOOK AS 
DAINTY AS THE LACE I'M WEARING
 But make no mistake, I will cut your heart out 
with a butter knife and eat it raw. And then I'll 
write a song about it...
Photo/CreStock
 
Little Harry Styles of the band One Erection has learned the first big-boy lesson of his young life: Taylor Swift is a man-eater. A cunning, angelic-looking, increasingly accomplished man-eater.

Young Harry, 18, started dating Taylor, 23, two months ago and fell hard. He was so smitten it did not occur to him that being Notch No. 3,725 on her belt did not bode well for the longevity of their love affair. He was so smitten it did not occur to him that he would wind up being the brunt of a breakup song full of words that rhyme with Styles. (Smiles, piles, all the while, a pedophile ... hey, I should send her this!)


Anyway, it quickly became "serious" and just days ago they were seen cooing and canoodling on the British Virgin Islands, even though Harry's people must have warned him that at this deadly phase of the relationship he was doing so at his own peril. ("Harry, man, it's been six weeks. She's going to kill you and eat you on that island! It's her pattern!") 


So one night, they were seen having a romantic dinner and the next day, they had a big fight and a solemn Taylor was seen leaving the island by boat, alone. And I will quote a British newspaper's summation of the event because I love the way they phrase things, imparting much more class and grownuppityness than this incident warrants.

"They were on holidays and had an almighty row," a source for the UK's Daily Mail says. "Harry is terribly upset and feels a little foolish now that it's fallen apart so quickly."
To be fair, I'm sure Taylor is "terribly upset" too. And will be for hours.

Wednesday, 9 January 2013

CHARLIE DEBUTS COOTIE-RIDDLED NEW 'GODDESS'

ATTENTION, GODDESSES: 
NOW ACCEPTING NEW APPLICANTS
Don't be put off by the weirdness going on in his 
mouth. Charlie Sheen is auditioning new goddesses 
and all you have to do to qualify is show up! 
(Oh, and be a porn star. And maybe kiss him.)
Photo/CreStock 
  
Charlie Sheen has somehow managed to convince some desperate prostitute to pretend to be his girlfriend in exchange for a trip to Mexico and all the coke she can eat. And I don't know where he finds these gems, but this one is an "actress." 

In what looks a lot like a relapse waiting to happen, Charlie is running around in a shirtless, glassy-eyed tizzy, telling everyone the little lady is his "new goddess."  (And pretty soon real goddesses are going to sit him down and tell him to stop putting their word in his dirty mouth). 

Well I'm no expert, but this new goddess looks about as curvacious as a teenage boy and about as happy to be slumming with the Sheenster as a puppy looks when you drag it over to the puddle it made and mash its nose in it. (Here, click on this link and see for yourself how friggin' thrilled the "actress" looks to be Charlie's latest squeeze toy.)

Then again, perhaps I'm being too hard on the sweethearts. Perhaps this is true love and has nothing at all to do with drugs or money or sugar daddying or horny old creeps who would never be allowed to touch a woman's skin unless they paid cash, in advance.  

Editor's note: I feel compelled to point out that this woman is not a prostitute, she's a porn star.
My note: Right. And I feel compelled to point out that red is not red, it's red.

MADONNA'S DAUGHTER CHALLENGES HER MANHOOD

 I REMOVED THEM WITH MY BARE HANDS!
They were getting so big I

couldn't cross my legs anymore.
Photo: Gerry Cooper/Featureflash

In whorrifying celebrity motherhood news, Madonna has undergone drastic surgery to have her iron balls removed. Her reps are keeping this information under wraps, but the tell-tale signs are everywhere. 

Take her reaction to her daughter's fairly typical acting-out: shaving off most of her gorgeous hair and pulling what's left of it up in a sloppy bun. It's an ugly style previously sported to just as ugly effect by Rihanna, Ke$ha and Avril Lavigne, but these broads are over 18 and can do whatever ugly thing they want to themselves. Lourdes, on the other hand, is barely15. Which means Mom is still in charge. 

So how did Mom react? I'd like to think that Iron Balls would lower the boom on her. Ground her. Make her march down Rodeo Drive wearing a sandwich-board sign saying "I AM A REBELLIOUS TWAT." 

But no, Madge falls into the modern trap of letting the goddam kids run the show. She wrings her hands, she says she's aggrieved, she doesn't like it, she thinks it's ugly (and it is), but "what can I do?" ("Well, Madge *whispering seductively* it's not too late for that sandwich board.")  
Ah, those iron balls. I miss 'em already . . . Click here to take a peek at Lourdes' new look. 

Editor's note: Ick. Why would a pretty girl deliberately make herself look ugly?
My note: I don't know, but as a mother of girls I was always in favour of ANYTHING they wanted to do if it made them less attractive to the opposite sex. 

Tuesday, 8 January 2013

IT'S TUESDAY! WHO WANTS TO FEEL MY PLASTIC LINKS?

WARNING: NOT
 HUMANLY POSSIBLE
Girls, there are only three women 
in the world who can safely look 
like Barbie: a supermodel (above),
 the nutter in the link at right, 
and of course, Barbie.

When I was a little girl, I had a Barbie. Actually, I had a few Barbies. OK, fine, I had a SHITLOAD of Barbies. I was infatuated with the things, with their tiny wasp-waists and perfect hair and amazing little geisha girl feet. 

Even back then, before the automobile was invented and we made our own dang ol' underwear from burlap sacks, people were beginning to think Barbie was a bad influence.  
That her fantastical measurements were turning girls into desperate, dieting, extension-wearing, collagen-injecting, breast implant-getting career barfers whose lives would be wasted in ruinous pursuit of perfection.

It was a direct route to madness because NO ONE WOULD EVER BE ABLE TO LOOK LIKE BARBIE! BECAUSE SHE IS NOT REAL! Or so we thought . . .  
But then along came this perfectly normal young lady from Moldavia who proved everybody wrong. 

Click on this link and see for yourselves that there is nothing disturbing about this chick at all and we should all go out and buy every young girl we know a Barbie. Or maybe a chainsaw. You know. Something healthy.

BRANGELINA'S BRATS CALL IN THE ARMY

GAZE UPON MY SAINTLY VISAGE, PEASANTS,  
for this face and the faces of all my adopted 
children will be among the only ones to survive 
should disaster ever visit the western hemisphere.
Photo/CreStock




 
When Iran finally finishes that totally innocent hydro plant it's building and bombs North America, you know who's going to be saved? Not you and I, that's for sure. However, we can take some comfort in the fact that Brangelina and their kibbutz will be the first ones ushered into the bombshelter. (I'm sorry, Barack, you'll just have to wait your turn.) 

We got a sneak preview of the importance security forces attach to the royals last Friday, when Brangelina's brats were horsing around in their Hollywood Hills mansion and pushed a panic alarm for kicks "by accident."  Because that's what billionaire brats do when they're bored and they don't feel like playing polo or having takeout flown in from Paris. 

Brad and Angelina were not home at the time, so the kids were in the care of the nanny, who is no doubt lining up outside the pogie office right now after this one. 
(Angelina: "For God's sake, Guadalupe, did I not tell you a thousand times not to let the children touch that button? The one thing I told you to watch out for! *spits on floor* Ptooey! See if I ever hire an El Salvadorean again!"  
Brad: "Now, Ange, don't be so hard on . . ."  
Ange: "Why are you talking? Did I tell you you could talk? DOES SOMEONE WANT TO SLEEP ON THE JENNIFER COUCH TONIGHT?"   
Brad: *gulp* "I'll be good.") 

And here is what happened when that button got pushed: A friggin' police feeding-frenzy ensued. A phalanx of squad cars raced to the home. Followed by fire trucks. Followed by helicopters. That's right, helicopters. Because, by God, it was the Brangelina panic button, so the safety of the very United States of America depended on responding quickly to it

It's good to know those emergency response teams have their priorities straight. I'm sure the residents of New Orleans who were stranded on rooftops for days after hurricane Katrina will be happy to see how things have changed.

Monday, 7 January 2013

PAULINA GRETZKY'S ALL BETTER NOW, THANK HEAVENS!

THAT'S PAULINA GRETZKY? 
Holy crap! I didn't recognize her 
with her clothes on!

Remember when Wayne Gretzy's daughter, Paulina, used to tweet racy photos of herself in various states of complete nudity? When you could not get through one week on Twitter without her immaculately waxed privates making you feel like you should immediately book an appointment with the dog groomer? 

Well those days are over. Paulina has grown up since last April and learned that tweeting slutty photos is best left to Kim Kardashian not the way to get ahead, or it would have happened by now. The new Paulina covers up and no longer feels the need to have either a wine bottle or her own finger in her mouth when posing for photos.
 
And you know what? It is totally working for her! 
Since deciding to put her clothes back on, Paulina has scored a Flare magazine cover and snagged a television special, which airs Tuesday on CityTV at 7 p.m. And I have it on very good authority that she will be clothed in both of these exciting ventures.
 
Next, Paulina says she wants to forge a career in music, start a fashion line and maybe star in a few more movies (she has a tiny part in an Adam Sandler movie, which means no one will ever see it because Sandler has taken a vow to make each new movie shittier than the one before it. And at the rate he's going, it'll be negative-shitty in no time).  

Editor's note: Well I think she's being a quitter. What she should have done is made a sex tape. And judging from this vast library of twitter pics I have amassed, she'd be pretty good at it.
My note: I am shutting down your Twitter account. And your Internet access. It's for the best.

IT'S MONDAY! WHO WANTS TO RUB MY BALD LINKS?

Natalie Portman, Madwoman
Photo:Paul Smith/Featureflash

As previously reported on Whorrified, Charlize Theron is, for some strange and murky reason, trying to be ugly. 
Because it's Monday and sometimes laughing at other people just feels good (right? it's not just me, right?), I present this gallery of other Hollywood beauties who decided "stylin's for fools" and shaved all their hair off. For their next trick, they're going to stop showering and start giving away all their money.

Click here on I Dunno, I Just Felt Like Being Bald.



CHARLIZE THERON HAS A CLOSE AND UGLY SHAVE

HERE IS CHARLIZE LOOKING LIKE AN ANGEL. 
An angel with golden candy floss hair. Why wasn't 
this good enough for you, Charlize? WHY? 
Photo/CreStock
Hello, Charlize Theron. How are you doing? Everything okay? Nothing . . . bothering you? I was just wondering if you realize that you are beautiful and, if so, could you please explain what the hell you’ve done to yourself?

In my opinion, beautiful women who don't appreciate their beauty and don't treat it like the gift it is from a God who obviously loves you more than he loves the rest of us should have their good looks revoked. 
I mean seriously, girlfriend. Your new haircut is one only militant lesbians, prisoners of war and six-year-old boys with head lice should ever be seen wearing. 

I don't care if this new look is easy to care for, I don't care if it's to help you go incognito, I don't care I don't care I don't care. All I know is you get to walk around looking like THIS (photo at left) without even having to try ... and yet you choose to walk around looking like THIS
That hurts me, Charlize. Really, it does.

Editor's note: Don't listen to her. She has hair issues. The rest of us get that Charlize is an actress and has shaved herself down for her role in Mad Max 4.
My note: I heard that. And I still don't care; it's butt ugly.