|MICHELLE OBAMA'S BORING HAIR IN THE YEAR B.B. (Before Bangs)|
OMIGODOMIGODOMIGOD! Big news! This news is so big I can hardly breathe! Michelle Obama, First Lady, wife of the leader of the free world, has a new hairdo! I'm talkin' bangs! Bangs! BANGS, people! Are you fainting right now? Are you falling off of your chair and having a seizure? Cuz if you aren't, you should be!
This is pretty much the reaction the First Lady's new hairdo elicited among my female co-workers, and also the rest of the whole entire world, yesterday. When we first heard it, we were all like, "Oh for feck's sake, why should we care about her stupid hairdo?" and then someone pulled up a pic of her stupid hairdo online and we were all like "OMIGOD! She looks so cute! That hairstyle makes her look so much younger! It's the bangs! I want bangs! Bangs are awesome!"
And our dildo correspondent actually STOOD UP at her desk and wailed, "Michelle Obama is 49 and she looks adorable and I'm 27 and I feel like a bag of shit! Because I don't have bangs!"
I am not even kidding.
Jesus Christ. Have we all gone retarded? Should we care this much about hair, really? Should we not worry that this instinctive reaction IS THE VERY REASON we will never be taken seriously, let alone be elected to run a country?
Should we not worry that we do not seem to be able to control our urge to spaz over complete and utter twaddle?
Should we not all just go out and get bangs? (Shit! I don't even know why I just said that!)