Saturday, 9 February 2013

DADDY'S LITTLE PRINCESS, LIVING THE DREAM

'INNOCENCE'
I am not usually a sentimental woman, 
but this photo of my granddaughter 
going for an evening stroll at Disneyworld 
with her doting dad pretty much melts my heart.



Ask any young child and they will tell you they "can't wait to grow up." It's one of their most ardent wishes, especially if they are a younger sibling. 

If only they knew what we know: that these are the very best years. 

When a young girl really does have a prince who loves her more than life itself (that's him at left, holding her hand). 
When life is as magical as pixie dust and she can wear pink gowns in the daytime and introduce herself to everyone she meets as a "pwincess" ... and not get laughed at. 

My wish for my beautiful granddaughter is that she remembers the enchantment of this moment and that somehow, magically, she can hold onto it right into adulthood. Cherish this, my darling granddaughter, for this is as good as it gets.

PEEK-A-BOO GRAMMYS GET THE TALIBAN TREATMENT

I AM SO SORRY, NICKI MINAJ

But your bosoms and your butt implants 
are an EPIC FAIL by Grammy standards
(I am going to allow the wig though. Barely.)

Photo/CreStock  



If you're planning on getting your jollies by tuning in to the Grammys and feasting your eyes on the kind of fleshy pleasures any hooker would charge you for, you're out of luck. (Buy a skin mag, you cheapskate, Hugh Hefner has a new wife to support.) 

Because CBS has basically ordered the Grammy producers to ensure this is the chastest awards show ever, which is no small task given the bunch they're dealing with. Among the titillations that will no longer be available to their stars ... and therefore, to you ... are butt cheeks, side boob and "puffy" genitalia such as the infamous ham wallet flashed by Anne Hathaway at the Les Miz opening
 
Here, word for word, are the emailed "rules" CBS sent out along with these lovely mouth-painted images of Jesus Christ our Lord (oh, wait, sorry, those are the amateur splats Chris "Breezus" Brown posted on Instagram last week).

  • Please be sure that buttocks and female breasts are adequately covered. Thong type costumes are problematic.
  • Please avoid exposing bare fleshy under-curves of the buttocks and buttock crack.
  • Please avoid sheer see-through clothing that could possibly expose female breast nipples.
  • Please be sure the genital region is adequately covered so that there is no visible “puffy” bare skin exposure.
  • Bare sides or under-curvature of the breasts is also problematic. 
Yeah, you know what else is problematic? This list! Because this list means that Kim Kardashian, J Lo, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Nicki Minaj and most of all RIHANNA will not be allowed to attend. Because between them they do not own one single article of clothing that meets these Amish standards. 
One has to wonder if anyone is going to bother to tune in to this Holy See at all. 

EDITOR'S NOTE: Ha! Those idiots! They left a major loophole! Nowhere does it say that visible scrotum, testicles or taint are forbidden. The show will go on! 
MY NOTE: So at least we know Jon Hamm and Justin Bieber will be there.

Friday, 8 February 2013

BECKS HAS A BODY DOUBLE. AND NOW I WANT ONE

David Beckham, Becks, H&M underwear, Whorrified,
Who is the second-sexiest man alive? That would be David Beckham's body double, who makes several appearances in this viral Beckham in H&M underwear video everyone is losing their tonsils over. 

So, yes, apparently such a person does exist and while that sounds like too much to ask even of God, it's not as great as it sounds. Because if you read the fine print, the body double is used for the "smaller parts." Which are not the parts we women are interested in.

And while we're on the subject of this video, I watched it and have since concluded that I am not normal. (In fact I'm beginning to worry that I'm not even human and not just because I recently found a whisker in a place where only men and German shepherds should have them.) In case you haven't seen it yet, it features a sinewy Becks racing through the streets wearing nothing but skivvies, slippers and a frown. It's a beautiful little video and every woman I know is gagging for it. 

So I watched it, and ... meh. Why, he's just a little fella, I find myself thinking. With hairy legs. And, what is it that's bothering me here ... can't quite put my finger on it ... ah! Got it! Needs less metrosexual. 
What's that? I'm NOT human? *pulls out dog biscuit, nibbles pensively* Okay then. 

EDITOR'S NOTE: Jesus. I was trying to keep that body-double story quiet. But now you have forced me to admit that I WAS THE SECOND BECKHAM ON THE GRASSY KNOLL.

SASKATOON PAYS GOOD MONEY TO SEE MARILYN BARF

WELL HELLO MARILYN MANSON. 
I SEE YOU'RE FEELING BETTER
The deathly pallor has returned to your cheeks 
and ... runny eye makeup and ... 
weird red marks on neck ... and ... 
wa-a-a-ah! Mommy! Make it go away!
Photo/CreStock

 
Oh thank God! Marilyn Manson is neither dead nor dying, he just looks that way. The slug-like rocker who creeps me out just by existing vomited onstage during a concert in Saskatoon last night (while singing Beautiful People; now THERE'S a visual), and, naturally, the audience assumed it was part of the act since vomit is one of the prettier things that come out of Manson's mouth. 

However, he then went on to convulse and pass out and basically just pulled a full-on Linda Blair, and it soon became evident that Marilyn wasn't foolin.' The concert was cancelled and Marilyn went back to his hotel room to puke some more.

Sources say he is resting up for his Calgary concert tonight and is feeling much better, and they know this because he is a much warmer shade of grey and has asked for his tranny-corpse makeup kit. That always makes him feel better.
Calgary, keep your distance. You do NOT want to catch what Marilyn has.

Thursday, 7 February 2013

BEYONCE'S ILLUMINATI PEEPS HAVE A POWER OUTAGE

I'M NOT SAYING BEYONCE IS A DIVA OR ANYTHING ...
But the woman has "people" to adjust her dress. And also to seek out and destroy unflattering pictures of her. That second person might be getting fired, as might that guy on the left, who is so transfixed by her golden butt he can't even think straight. 
Photo/CreStock


So all that jabbering about Beyonce being a member of the Illuminati turns out to have been complete horse pucky. Because if she had the kind of power these conspiracy theorists are ascribing to her, she would have been able to magically crash the world wide web when her request to have ugly photos of herself removed was ignored. 

The request was emailed to Buzzfeed by Bey's publicist after Buzzfeed  posted a selection of pics from Sunday's Beyonce Bowl performance, some of which are super sexy and some of which make her look fierce. And by fierce I mean she looks like an angry tranny having a shat. 

Alas, Bey's publicist is also not a member of the Illuminati and is also stupid, otherwise she would have realized you can't edit the Internet. Once the pix are out there, they're out there. So by sending an email requesting removal of the ugly pix, and specifically stating which pix (#5, 6, 10, 11, 12, 19 and 22) are "the worst," all you are doing is ensuring that a whole lot more people are going to click on this link to see pix of Bey looking like an angry tranny having a shat.  
Unless, of course, you send out a subsequent email saying "And if you DO look at these pix, we know people who can make sure that you will go blind. Cuz we can do that. *diamond sign* You've been warned." 

EDITOR'S NOTE: And since I did not get that second email, I feel confident in sharing this link to the ugly pix and to the publicist's email. (Personally, I'd say #13 should have been flagged too.)

Wednesday, 6 February 2013

JEN GOES BLONDER TO DIVERT US FROM BALD TRUTH

DEAR GOD: IT'S ME, JENNIFER  
 I need another miracle. Quickly.
Photo/CreStock






So where is Jen's baby bump? Shouldn't it be showing by now, seeing as it's twins and all? 
Oh that's right, THERE IS NO BABY BUMP! (Totally called it, click here for proof.) 

Six weeks ago, you couldn't get through a single grocery checkout without being asked to fall on your knees in astonishment at Jen's Christmas miracles: acquiring not only a fiance but also a uterus full of pity-be-gone. Now it's almost Valentine's Day and . . . well, she still has the fiance.

Jen's no fool, though; she has hatched a cunning plan to distract us from the fact that her belly is still as flat as Saskatchewan by ditching the dull gold she has worn since before Jesus was born and going hooker blond.
Ah yes, the old Don't Look There, Look Here trick. Works every time. 

Editor's note: Well it certainly works for me. Dayum! She looks hot for a dusty-wombed woman! Click here to see Jen's white-hot fabul-ondness. 

Tuesday, 5 February 2013

ILLUMINATI SIGNS? ALL I SAW WAS BUTT CHEEKS

I SPENT ALL THAT TIME TONING MY THIGHS 
and all people can talk about 
is what I was doing with my hands.
 Photo/CreStock


Many stupid people are wondering if Beyonce flashed the Illuminati sign at the Super Bowl on Sunday. (For those of you who are not into arcane symbols and silly cults . . . well first of all, congratulations, there aren't enough of us out there . . . the Illuminati is a nefarious super-secret organization bent on controlling and shaping world order.)

And if Beyonce and, more believably, her husband Jay-Z are members of this cult, she must have missed the first meeting, at which they specifically stated that this is a SECRET organization and that flashing the sign of your membership to millions of viewers on live television is a no-no. (Group leader: We're very upset about this, Beyonce. But we'll forgive you if you do that booty-hop thing for us for a few minutes...) 

Anyway, as further "proof" of her membership, conspiracy theorists cite the power outage that immediately followed her performance. Which if you ask me suggests that she is a member of the De-luminati, but what do I know.

Even more ominously, theorists say ... and I don't know how these people sleep at night, because they see signs in EVERYTHING ("What was that?" It was just the wind. "No it wasn't! It was the breath of God warning me that the neighbour is a serial killer! Call the police!") ... Beyonce has yet to issue a denial that she flashed the sign.

Beyonce's publicist: You got time to issue yet another statement about yet another ridiculous scandal, ma'am?
Beyonce: Sorry, I'm busy trying to crash the stock market in Japan. Just scribble some nonsense and sign my name. Those people will believe anything.

So basically, those who want to believe she's an Illuminati member will believe it and the rest of us will just go about our daily lives worrying about things like what to do with all these goddam leftover dirty pennies. Should you wish to add more fuel to the fire raging in your brain, here's a link to one of the best stories on this non-issue I've read so far.

McCAIN CHALLENGES MONKEY TO A NUCLEAR DUEL

DARWIN THE IKEA MONKEY CONFRONTS JOHN McCAIN
  "You better hope my flying cousins don't hear about this!"

I think Twitter is the greatest thing that has ever happened to public figures. Because it is the surest and most reliable of measure of intelligence to come along since IQ testing. (Isn't that right, Chris Brown?) 

Take this tweet from John McCain, a leading Republican senator, not to mention a man who came THIS CLOSE to being president of the United States. A man who doesn't have the sense to run his stupid ideas past a paid adviser and who therefore launches completely inappropriate ad hominem attacks on countries that are just looking for an excuse to bomb us right off the planet.

I refer to a tweet McCain sent out yesterday comparing Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to a monkey: “So Ahmadinejad wants to be first Iranian in space — wasn’t he just there last week?” He then linked to a news story about Iran launching a monkey into space.
A predictable firestorm of criticism ensued, which McCain merely inflamed by tweeting "Can't everyone take a joke?"
Well yes, John, I suppose some of us can. Say, did you hear the one about the senile senator who tweeted himself right into a room at the Slippery Slopes old folks home? Never even saw it coming! 

IKEA monkey's note: I don't get it. How is this an insult?
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's note: Everyone knows I'm not a monkey, I'm a dinner jacket!
McCain's note: Yeah? Well your face looks like my mother's butt! Hahahaaaaa!

MUHAMMAD ALI PASSES THE BOOTYLICIOUS STRESS TEST

MUHAMMAD ALI'S FAMILY TWEETED THIS WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S-ish PHOTO
of Ali watching the Super Bowl to counter reports he was near death. (Oh THANK GOD,  
Ali is alive and well! This picture of a random helmet totally proves it!)

I don't know what's going on in Muhammad Ali's family, but I do know this, that brother of his should never be left alone with him. Muhammad's brother, Rahman, told reporters Ali is circling the drain and may have just days left to live. "He's in God's hands," he said. 
Which certainly sounds ominous. 
Except that it might not be true. 

The rest of the clan has since hotly denied it, with Ali's wife Lonnie saying he cosied right up to the telly for the Super Bowl yesterday and got very excited when Beyonce's meaty thighs made an appearance. "Muhammad . . . was completely (taken) with Beyonce,” Lonnie said Sunday night. “His eyes and mouth were wide open, so he’s fine."
To prove her point, she tweeted this photo of Ali "enjoying the game." 

And I am really thankful that The World's Greatest is alive and er, alive, but to be honest, you'd never know it from this pointless photo. It's almost Fidel-esque in its caginess. Yeah, that could be Ali's head in that blurry helmet. Or it could be some random senior at the home, who didn't put up the slightest fuss when this helmet was plopped on his head because he was promised a plug of saltwater taffy. Or it could just be an empty helmet sitting on a bookshelf. 

Anyway, the bottom line is, the reports of Ali's imminent death are greatly exaggerated, and from now on, guess whose videos are going to be in constant rotation whenever Pops' heart rate gets a little fuzzy? That's right, Beyonce. "Uh oh, dad looks pale. Quick, hit the play button!"

EDITOR'S NOTE: Tsk tsk. The man is a legend. I think what we should be saying here is "God bless and get well . . . and may I recommend "Bootylicious" as your go-to defibrillator song. Totally gets my blood pumping."

Monday, 4 February 2013

SUPER BOWLED OVER BY BEYONCE'S HALF-NAKED SHOW


So, the Super Bowl. Apparently brazillions of people watched it, but ask around and all anyone really remembers is  the half-time show. (Beyonce, in case you eat brains and are undead and hadn't heard that she was the real reason everyone tuned in.) I was at work when this fleshtastic display went down, and here is what I observed:

First of all, this should have been called the Beyonce Bowl. Because she can drag anyone, even the most hardened workaholic, away from their desk. A gay man. A nerdy man. A married man. A married woman. A menopausal woman. All the single ladies. All the single ladies . . . well you get my point. ANYONE.

Was Baddie Bey lip-syncing? Oh, who friggin' cares! She was half naked and bootylicious and best of all, her Destiny's Child girls literally popped up out of nowhere and sang the REAL hits with her! 

Poor Michelle Williams, Destiny's least favourite Child, almost peed her pants because this is the best thing that has happened to her in years. She was like, "Yay! A job! This is so fun! Can we do this more often? Cuz, seriously, I have been hiding under this stage for three years waiting for this moment!"

Editor's note: I ... wow. I did not even realize there was a football game going on as well. Click here to watch Beyonce prove why she ain't your average chick, she's the baddest chick. 
 

WIPE THE MANURE OFF YER BOOTS, THE JUNOS IS COMIN!

IS THAT AN AWARD IN YER PANTS?
Or are you just THAT HAPPY
 to be in Saskatcheywan?
Photo/CreStock


After weeks of bladder-wrenching secrecy, the big news has been revealed: the host of the Juno Awards will be ... Michael Buble! Wow! That's so ... hold on, I'm seeing a lot of puzzled looks out there. 

For our non-Canadian readers, the Junos are Canada's music awards show. It used to be small and hokey but then we got some bona fide superstars like Justin Bieber, Drake and Shania and it really took off. I mean, none of them ever actually attend the show because they're so big they're usually in the States smoking weed and pullling their pants down for tmz videos, but still. They make a pre-recorded video appearance and it's super exciting.

Our American readers might have seen the creepy Super Bowl ad that announced Buble's hosting duties, showing him in bed with Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne. (Americans: Who's that guy on the left? I dunno. Why is he in bed with his daughter? I dunno. What's a Joono? I dunno. Stop yakking and pass the chicken wings, will ya?) 

So how Canadian are the Junos? Well heck, they're being held in dang ol' VEEGINA, SASKATCHEYWAN! And sponsored by the POTASH CORPORATION! And there'll be a moose roast and a game of pin the beaver tail on Justin Trudeau, and Ann Murray is going to clop onstage in her best high-heeled clogs and sing everyone to sleep at the very end. (Honk if you loves you some Prairie Jesus and figgered out that last bit thur was a dang ol' JOKE!)

Editor's note: Because we haven't rammed the pitchfork far enough up Saskatchewan's arse yet, here's a link to the official Juno Awards website. Note how they invite you to "tour the provincial legislature and the historic tunnels of Moose Jaw while you're here!" Jesus Ehch Christ.