Friday, 22 February 2013

DUFFY, DISNEY WORLD AND OTHER REASONS TO CRY

HEY KIDS! ANYONE LIKE BOWLING? 
How 'bout bowling in P.E.I.? I actually live there! 
When I'm not living in Disneyworld, that is! 
Photo/CreStock
 
I can't decide who I'm more disgusted with. I mean it's kind of a dead heat, because both should know better, we're paying them to know better, they goddamn well KNOW they should know better, and yet . . . 

In this cornah, we have Senator Mike Duffy, kindly offering to repay the money he should never have been given in the first place. One gets the feeling he wants us to admire his integrity. Which I will get to right after I finish admiring Rob Ford for repaying back that improperly donated football money. Oh, wait ... 
Readers Digest version: Mike Duffy, who works in Ottawa, claims his primary residence is in P.E.I. Which is fine. Except that Mike Duffy has in fact lived in a home in Ottawa for decades, which we pay for. Facing a media rotisserieing, Duffy demurs, dodges and then finally relents: Fine. I will reimburse the $42,802 of taxpayer money for the Ottawa home, which I probably should not have taken anyway. (Translation: Are you happy now? Get off my senatorial back, you shitheads!) Is this the kind of person you want in the chamber of sober second thought? I think not.

And in this cornah, we have the Windsor teachers who pulled such a sick and mean-spirited hoax on the kids they're supposed to be an example to it makes me thankful I don't have school-aged children anymore.
Readers Digest version: Teacher is annoyed that kids are snooping in her desk. Which kids do. It's wrong, but hello: they're 13. Teachers seize this teachable moment by setting the kids up to believe they're going on a trip to Disney.
Imagine for a moment that you are 13. The closest you've ever been to Disney is watching Pocahontas on DVD. You're pretty stoked, right? Especially when teachers then assemble you all for a Power Point presentation detailing this fabulous Disney trip ... and then, "Ha ha, guess what, you're going BOWLING in Windsor, you desk-snooping future recidivists!  Oh, and guess what else, we're filming your crestfallen faces right now!"
Are these the kind of people you want in charge of your children? I think not.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Wow. This one is too tough too call. And also too depressing. I suddenly find myself longing for the halcyon days of Shawinigate and Maxime Bernier. *cues All In the Family soundtrack, weeps softly*

OCTOMOM GOES ON STRICT HASH BROWNIES DIET

WILL WORK FOR BROWNIES
Or cupcakes. Actually prefer NOT to work, but if that's what it takes, then ... 
 Hey! Is that Ding-Dong? 
Photo/CreStock

All you people who think Nadya Suleman, better known as Bob Marley Octomom, still has addiction issues should feel ashamed of yourself. Because she has kicked her Xanax habit to the curb and exited rehab with flying colours. 

And when I say flying, you should say “how high?” Because two days after she left rehab she scored a medical marijuana card and is now stuffing herself to the eyeballs with ganja each and every blessed day. Snoop Lion Octomom says she needs the weed to keep herself from filming porn in front of the children help her stay calm. She gets the weed delivered to her home daily, in the form of cookies, brownies and other baked goods. Basically I'm thinking it's pretty much constant pastries at Casa Octo. 

And honestly, after that last episode, when she scared her 14 kids shitless by forcing them to sing "Have you seen the Muffin Man, the Muffin Man, the  .... NO I'M NOT KIDDING, WHERE IS THAT GODDAM MUFFIN MAN?" outside on the sidewalk, everybody's relieved when it's Mommy's milk-and-cookies-actually-nevermind-the-milk time.


YOU LAUGH NOW, BUT HE COULD HAVE BEEN YOUR DAD

"EH, YOU LOOK FAMILIAH, LASSIE..."
 A size XL Hanes, I'd guess?
Steve Vas/Featureflash photo 
Remember Tom Jones? No? Well your mother does, I can guarantee you that. Because back in the day, before he turned into randy old leg-humping Uncle Billygoat, Tom Jones was the poor man's Elvis Presley. Only sheepier. And Welshier. 

Anyway, Tom had some pretty sexy hits back then, so far back that some of us sometimes wonder if he's even still alive. Which he is. Very much so. In fact he got dolled up for the Brit Awards recently (which I'd never heard of but apparently is this VERY BIG THING that Brits pay attention to when they're not ogling verboten pix of Kate Middleton in a bikini) and he didn't look the least bit pickled as a newt. Why would you even mention that? Here, click on the link to see for yourself.


EDITOR'S NOTE: You know what I wonder? I wonder what Sir Tom did with all those panties women used to throw at him. I mean they used come flying at him from all directions! He'd be drenched in knickers! My own mother, God rest her soul, threw a very generous pair of Fruit of the Looms at him once and . . .

MY NOTE: Ah GEEZ! *retching sounds*  I'm trying to eat my lunch, here!

Thursday, 21 February 2013

A BARE-KNUCKLE BRAWL FOR THE 'CRAZY' CROWN

LEADING CONTENDER FOR 'CRAZY' CROWN 
The usually publicity-shy Mrs. Humphries has 
posed for a tasteful pregnancy photo spread 
in Du Jour magazine. I hope you're not 
expecting to see ACRES of cleavage...   
Photo/CreStock 

 
*PART ONE OF THREE

Is there a full moon out there? I mean I know there isn't one here, but there? On Planet Hollywood? Because celebrities are going right off their rocker this week, even more than usual. There's so much celebrity silliness going on I scarcely know where to begin. 
Haha, that's ridiculous. Of course I know where to begin: with the Kardashians. 

"Rumours are swirling" that Kim is leaving Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Which means the show is over because nobody cares about any of the other Kardashians. So unless Kris Jenner makes a sex tape (and we all know it won't be with Bruce because he can't stand her and also he doesn't have a penis), that deal is dead in the water. 

But don't pop the corks yet because Kim Inc. has grown another hydra head, which is a cruel way to describe a baby unless that baby was sired by Kanye West, in which case it's generous. Kim is pimping out her fetus (Fetus: "Jesus Christ, lady, let me RIPEN a bit, will ya?") by posing for a slew of baby-bump porn in Du Jour magazine. Click here to see the first pix of baby Kimye. If you look closely, you can see the little dollar signs in the wee fetus's eyes. WHY HE LOOKS JUST LIKE HIS GRANDMA!

Compare this carrying-on to the polar opposite comportment of Kate Middleton, who cloaks her royal bump in tweeds and turns as red as the blood under Taylor Swift's nails if someone captures a photo of her in a bathing suit. Clearly Britain's royalty is much classier than America's royalty. Except for Harry. And Charles. And Camilla. And Fergie. And ... well okay. It's just Kate. Teeny, tiny, tweedy, wafer-thin Kate. We love her.

ROUND TWO OF THE BRAWL: AND IN THIS CORNAH

BOY OH BOY, GEORGE!
And speaking of wafer-thin, has anyone seen Boy George lately? ("You there, gaudy-looking homeless person. Have you seen Boy George lately?" "Excuse me? I AM Boy George!")
 
Yes, as revealed in a Twitter post, Boy George has dropped serious pounds and is literally half the man he used to be. He's within ounces of his goal weight and as soon as he kicks his two-pounds-of-eyebrow-makeup addiction, he'll be there! 

And while I cruelly assumed he did it all through tireless devotion to a cocaine habit, apparently he did it the old-fashioned way, by dieting, exercising, drinking lots of water and eating healthy. Dammit. I was hoping there was an easier route. Doesn't anyone BARF themselves thin anymore?

ROUND THREE: SCORES POINTS ON NAME ALONE


Who else is acting bonkers? Let's see; ah yes, we have Michael Jackson's 14-year-old daughter (who looks nothing like him, even a jujube's DNA is closer to his than hers is, but she's his daughter, all right?) giving up her privileged but deeply weird American upbringing to become a geisha. She ... what? (*Editor: Pssst mumble just dyed her hair.*) 

 Oh. Well whatever. I just go by what my own two eyes tell me. Here's a pic of Paris Jackson-San with her new jet-black hair. 

Wednesday, 20 February 2013

RIGHT UP THERE WITH THE MYSTERY OF THE SPHINX

"COULDJA TURN THE LIGHTS DOWN? 
MY NOSE IS MELTING."
Here's Lil Kim, who adamantly insists she 
has not had plastic surgery. Just as I 
adamantly insist I still look 29
Photo/ CreStock 



It's Wednesday! Let's celebrate the staggering blahsomeness of this nondescript jour with a brain teaser. I know, I know, your mid-week brain can't take much teasing. 

But that's okay because this brain teaser was obviously aimed at a Grade 2 (or, as Hollywood calls it, Genius) level, because anyone with two eyes ... or even one eye and a monocle ... could solve it. 

I found it on Fox 411, where it is tantalizingly titled Celebrity Plastic Surgery Mysteries: Have they gone under the knife or not? And the first thing you see is some terrifying Asian woman who looks like she's made of wax ... Oh. Wait, no, that's Lil Kim. So you see where I'm going with this. This is a "mystery" like Does Britney Love Tater Salad? is a mystery. But go ahead and click on the link anyway. Because it's going to be Wednesday all bloody day.

Editor's note: I notice Joan Rivers, LaToya Jackson and Pamela Anderson are not on this link. That's too bad. I've always wondered if they've had work done . . . 

CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO GODLINESS. WHEREAS I'M NOT

calvin ayre, marie sutherland, mike lazaridis, university of waterloo, housecleaning tips, housecleaning service brampton,
MY MESSY BEDROOM 
(Ahem. My messy bedroom AFTER I tidied it up a bit for this photo. I am totally the kind of woman who would clean her house before the maid came so she won't think I'm a slob ...)

A mind-boggling number of years ago when I was about 19, my grandmother took one look at the unsavoury specimens I was dating and remarked, "Mimi, make sure you marry a rich man. Your life will be so much easier." 
"I could never do that!" I cried. "I'm going to marry for love!"
"Then make sure you fall in love with a rich man," she said.

That was good advice, so naturally, as I do with all good advice, I ignored it. But I think about it often. Particularly when I come home from work, take a look around my home (it's more of habitat, really) and mutter, "Damn, why didn't I marry one of those weird rich guys who liked me back in university? Because I would have a maid now and this house would be clean and inviting instead of messy and accusatory. And also a hell of a lot bigger."

See, the thing is (this is the part where I launch into the thousand-and-one-excuses, which is really just one excuse...LAZY...rolled up in a bunch of other decoy excuses) I work full-time. Like, FULL full-time. I put in long days, I work overtime, I'm allergic to Pine-Sol, I have this debilating RSI that inflicts my sweeping arm with rigor mortis should I so much as look at a broom. No, really. You have no idea.
The only time my house looks even close to tidy is when company's coming. Hours before their arrival, I launch into a mad round of cleaning that involves everything from string mops to crop dusting. I should do this more often, I think giddily, right before I do an exhausted face plant on my sparkling floors.

This is the kind of futile quest that could drive a woman to madness. However, I do have one powerful weapon in my sanity arsenal and that is my very wise, very sensible mother. (I keep waiting for signs that I take after her. So far, I'm seeing this: we both have dark hair.) Recently I whined to my mom about my messy house and this is what she said:
"So hire a housecleaner."
Wait, what? That sounds like common sense, or as I like to call it, a foreign language.  
"But," I protest, "that's for ... "
"For busy people who work long hours," mom said.
"Which I am!" I said. "And I do! You know what, mom? I'm going to hire a housecleaner! I know a good idea when I hear one."
"Congratulations," mom said. "You now take after me in two ways.


EDITOR'S NOTE: This seems like a good time to tell everyone that you went to university with Mike Lazaridis (BlackBerry billionaire) and Calvin Ayre (Bodog online gambling billionaire) and married neither of them. Just think of the big tidy house you could have had if...
MY NOTE: This seems like a good time to tell everyone that I am looking for a new editor.
 

Monday, 18 February 2013

BECAUSE YOU'RE NEVER TOO OLD FOR A PANDA HOODIE


Actually that might not be true. You might actually some day reach an age when you are too old for panda hoodies. And I'm just guessing, I'm no expert, but I'd put that age at around, oh, 83. Or 84. Which gives me decades, DECADES, of hoodie-wearing bliss before I have to hang up the pandas for good. So when I saw this sparkly, cosy, whimsical hoodie with pom poms and button eyes at Urban Planet on the weekend, I just had to have it. It was a total impulse buy, but in hindsight I am really glad I impulsed, because I don't know about you but to me there is nothing sadder than a woman in her older-than-forties who does not own a panda hoodie. Honestly. I think I'd rather be dead.

Got it from: Urban Planet, Cambridge, $25. 
Glaring unasked question: But why was a woman in her older-than-forties shopping at Urban Planet (demographic, 12)? 
Huffy retort: Because Mommy's Got the Menopause was closed. Happy now?

IS THAT A SALAMI IN YOUR POCKET OR AM I AN IDIOT?

GROCERY SHOPPING? 
No thank you. I might 
wind up on Rikers Island!

Photo/CreStock
And from our "Absolutely Not a Racist Incident" files, we have an NYC deli employee who never watches good movies accusing screen legend Forest Whitaker (The Crying Game, The Last King of Scotland, etc.) of shoplifting and then cementing his fate by publicly frisking him on the sidewalk. The pat-down yielded nothing but a black eye for Milano Market and a pink slip for the employee. 

Forest was understandably upset by the Friday afternoon incident but did not report it. However, as previously reported here on Whorrified, TMZ has secretly implanted every single celebrity with microchip cameras and so it went viral within hours. 

The employee was subsequently fired by the deli . . . and may I just say that dough-head got off lightly. I myself would have insisted that both his arms be amputated and his brain donated to science, since he isn't using it anyway.