|CLOSER, JANUARY 2014|
Featuring Jane Seymour
My note: *truculently* I don't want to!
Editor's Note: *gently* Go on. Just do it.
My note: Okay, fine. FINE! So a few days ago I posted a pic of Demi Moore in a bikini and of course I mocked the shit out of it because in case you've never read the intro at the top of this blog, it's what I do.
Well that went over really well with the feminists but in my heart I was like SCREW YOU GUYS! Then today I happened across this pic of Jane Seymour, 62, in a bikini. And I'm not sure what an epiphany feels like but if it feels like an orgasm then I think I had one, because holy crap, people! This is what 62 looks like? I don't think I looked like that at 22. Or 32. Or ... well I can't talk about what I'll look like at an age I haven't reached yet, so we'll stop here while I'm still being nice. Jane Seymour, you do not need a tummy tuck!
EDITOR'S NOTE: There. Was that so hard?
MY NOTE: My skin is itchy and I feel like I'm going to throw up.
EDITOR'S NOTE: I had a feeling this might happen. *mixes one part turpentine with two parts tequila in martini shaker, pours directly down boss's gasping maw*
MY NOTE: R-R-RAH! Look at that old broad in a bikini! Photoshop much? I've seen bigger tits on a ... hey, what the hell? EDITOR! *crushes empty martini shaker* This fucking thing is EMPTY!!!
EDITOR'S NOTE: Yup. All better.
*GMILF OF THE YEAR! And while you're waiting for your inappropriate erection to subside, here are Jane Seymour's "secrets" to looking creepily hot at 62.