Sunday, 26 January 2014

'HONEY, YOUR MOM'S AT THE DOOR!' (LOCKS DEADBOLT)

whorrified blog, whorrified daughter, guinness,
GRANDMOTHER OF THE YEAR, reporting for babysitting duty


This post will be mercifully short because, once again, I was on voluntary live-in babysitting duty for the weekend, snuggling my new granddaughter. Her parents didn't ask - in fact they may even have said not to bother - but if I let reluctant hosts stop me, I'd never go anywhere! 

So I'm typing this on their persnickety laptop while the baby naps and her parents are out, ostensibly grocery shopping (I hope they remember the cooking sherry!) but more likely drafting a list of iron-clad excuses to have at the ready for the next time I show up with my overnight bag and a six-pack of Guinness. (Helps the mother's milk come in, some parenting genius actually said in the pre-Children's Aid days. I nursed every one of my three babies with the help of Guinness and they turned out just fine. A drunk baby is a happy baby, I always say!)

So here is a list of excuses I expect to encounter (and then overrule) the next time I pay a visit:
"Oh, how nice of you to stop by! Unfortunately we've all contracted galloping hemmorhoids, the contagious ones, so we daren't let you in. You'll thank us someday."
"Well isn't this a surprise! The baby's gone out for the day, but come on in and help us clean the house from top to bottom, won't you?"
Or this one, really the only one they need: "Hi Ma! Come on in, although we should warn you we're fresh out of booze. Yes, even the cooking sherry ..."
And now if you'll excuse me, I have to go prepare my rebuttals. And throw this laptop out the window because WTF? Who invented these things? *cracks open a cold one* "What? I've earned this."