Wednesday, 15 January 2014

IF KELLY OSBOURNE IS 'HOT' THEN GOD IS DEAD

Kelly Osbourne, Golden Globes, Whorrified,
GOSSIP WEBSITES SAY KELLY OSBOURNE LOOKED 'SUPER HOT' at the Golden Globes. And since I was able to look at this for almost four whole seconds before the involuntary projectile vomiting kicked in, it must be true.
TMZ 
 
This may come as a shock to those of you who don't read this blog regularly (and whom I am therefore going to have to ask to leave. Right now. Go) but I'm not a fan of Kelly Osbourne. On account of Kelly Osbourne is enough of a fan of Kelly Osbourne for both of us, and also because I'm not keen on petty vindictive entitled cows who think they're far more fantastic than they actually are and who pick fights with anyone who doesn't obsequiously kiss their completely talentless arse. Which is probably the sickly colour of blancmange, as if being the spawn of Ozzy Osbourne weren't already bad enough.

Which is why all this gossip website talk of how "hot" Kelly Osbourne looked at the Golden Globes is making me want to sick up. The woman has the teeth and the soul of a wolverine, you guys! Her hair is old-lady mauve! She's a witch! She's a harpie! She's ... hey! WTF, Editor! Stop manhandling me!!!

EDITOR'S NOTE: Okay, woman, that's enough. I'm obviously going to have to perform the Heimlich manoever on you to calm you down.
MY NOTE: *claps hands excitedly* The way you did last time? When you threw me down on the bar and injected me with overproof tequila? Cuz I liked that.