Wednesday, 8 January 2014

EVERYTHING DOESN'T HAVE TO BE ABOUT YOU, CANADA

A NEWSCASTER RISKS ALMOST CERTAIN DEATH while reporting that it's chilly in Los Angeles. Please remember this next time you whine that it's minus 40 in Toronto.

"Hello, Brampton Batman? It's me, that slut from Whorrified. What do you mean you don't
recall ... you weren't saying that last night when we ... no, you know what? Never mind. Seriously. It's beneath me. (Or at least it was.) The reason I'm calling is, while your services are very much appreciated here in pustule-encrusted Brampton, they are desperately needed elsewhere. As in Los Angeles. 
Well no, it's not a 'Polar Vortex' situation, but still. It's cold-ish. Yeah. They're really suffering. Just ask Jimmy Kimmel, who shared this heart-rending video of how freaked out L.A. residents are by the wind and rustling leaves and stuff. If you can bear it, stick with it right through to the part where a newscaster intones that if the temperature had fallen just a few more degrees, it might even have snowed. I know, right? You're so there! (I know you too well.) 
No, no, don't worry, we'll manage without you. We have her excellency Susan Fennell on standby should anybody's wallet need raping and such. Go in peace, my latex friend. Brampton will still be butt-ugly when you get back."

EDITOR'S NOTE: Wow. They're gonna love that rubber-suited freakshow in La-La-Land.