Wednesday, 29 January 2014


THE GOOD NEWS: Justin Bieber is in Toronto!
THE BAD NEWS: At 52 Division, where he turned himself in on suspicion of assaulting on a limo driver in December.

I'm pretty sure this isn't how the Biebs expected 2014 would unfold. Why just a few short weeks ago he was making it rain at strip clubs, roaring through residential streets in cars that cost more than even the most expensive Brazilian hookers, smoking doobies the size of a baby's arm and swilling sizzurp cocktails like there was no tomorrow.

Now, within the space of a week, he's been arrested, jailed, bailed out and then flown to Toronto for a tour of yet another correctional facility. And while I'm sure his idiot father, Jeremy, who routinely parties with his 19-year-old wallet son, is at this very moment throwing a hissie fit of Kanye-esque proportions ("Great! Now what am I gonna do for money?"), I personally think it's high time someone yanked the chain on this ill-bred young cur. Because what with the egging, the drag-racing, the brawling and the whoremongering, it's only a matter of time until little man gets into big-dawg trouble, such as getting someone pregnant again or losing his pants. Oh, you laugh now, but it happens. Do you think Mayor Rob Ford ever thought he'd turn out like this? I rest my case.

JUSTIN BIEBER'S IDIOT FATHER'S NOTE: Hang in there, son! Everything's gonna be just fine. Oh, and in case it's not, can I get your PIN number? I got an appointment with my tattoo artist tomorrow and homie wants 20 large.