Tuesday, 7 January 2014

JUSTIN BIEBER'S MANAGER HAS FOUND HIS PURPOSE

Justin Bieber, Scooter Braun, whorrified, Yael Cohen,
CONGRATS ON YOUR ENGAGEMENT, WHOEVER YOU ARE
You've never heard of Canadian Yael Cohen or her fiance, Scooter Braun, but he's tangentially related to Justin Bieber so she said "yes."
 INSTAGRAM

You might be surprised to hear that Justin Bieber has a manager. I know I was, because when someone routinely pisses in restaurant buckets, bangs Brazilian hookers and insists that his minders carry him up the Great Wall of China, the hoi-polloi might reasonably be expected to ask: "But what is it your manager manages, exactly?" 

So the fact that the Biebs has a manager is surprising enough, but why it's making headlines today is because this dude has parlayed his management expertise into the betrothing of a hot Canadian babe who inexplicably insists on referring to herself as a South African. (She'll fit right in in Hollywood.) 

And because it's cold enough to freeze the peach fuzz off a pair of tiny, undescended testicles, I'm going to take it easy on this one. Meaning I'm not even going to roger the fact that the Biebs' manager's name is "Scooter," or that the only reason this engagement is news at all is because his fiancee is a hot Canadian in the same way that Paulina Gretzky is a hot Canadian, that being that neither of them wants anything to do with their Canadian heritage so why are we kissing their hot arses at all, you might ask? And even if you didn't, I just did, so fuck it. This post is over. The mere fact that the fruit is low-hanging does not mean we must pluck it.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Was that a testicle pun?
MY NOTE: Yes, but it's pronounced "pretentious South African social climber." You'll get the hang of it.