|YOU TOO CAN HAVE A BODY LIKE THIS ... Haha, kidding! It'll never happen.|
If you're like most people you have dutifully made the one New Year's resolution that is most likely to end in abject failure: "I will get fit."
Except this resolution takes on a whole new level of ludicrosity this year, because Madonna is opening one of her Hard Candy gyms in Toronto in February, so expect to be bombarded with sweaty pep talks and sinewy visuals of a kind normally only seen in gay porn. This gym, which dangles the tantalizing prospect of sculpting a body made of Italian marble (with just the faintest whiff of ... hmm, what is that odour, I can't quite put my finger on it ... ah yes, Sean Penn), features the bone-splintering workouts Madge does every single day, with nothing but astronomical membership fees and the extreme likelihood of death-by-maniacal-workout to stop you from attaining your goal.
Of course, you won't actually get to work out with Madonna, nor will you see her in person, ever, nor will you end up looking even the slightest bit like her because guess what: you don't have four hours a day seven days a week to devote to looking like that. (And even if you did, you still wouldn't look like that unless these gyms feature a secret Botox room nobody's talking about.)
But don't let that stop you from trying. In fact, here, give whatever's left of your motivation a deep-tissue wedgie by watching this video of Madonna's workout routine. And then tell me you wouldn't rather just go and stick your face in a cheese ball and say "Fuck it. I'm fat. God has willed it." There; I've basically saved you from permanent groin injury. You're welcome.