Sunday, 16 February 2014


ellen page, actors who are gay, time to thrive, whorrified,
Moments later, the Earth hurtled off its axis (because it was out of gold stars). CLICK HERE to watch her coming out speech. 

I am writing this today because the standing ovation is in danger. Its significance is under attack and its dignity is being pillaged, and if this continues unabated a standing ovation will soon mean about as much as the fist-bump teenagers greet each other with in the street.
What the fuck is she talking about, one of you just muttered. Glad you asked. Because this isn't really about standing ovations. This is about our absurdly overpraising culture as demonstrated by the reaction to Ellen Page.

If you've paid any attention to Facebook, Twitter or major news organizations in the past few days, you've heard the planet-shattering news: Ellen Page star of Juno, Whip It and the upcoming X-Men: Days of the Future Past —  came out as a lesbian. She was speaking at a Human Rights Campaign Foundation conference when she made the confession, and immediately got a rousing standing O.
What I'm confused about is why. 

Do I get a standing ovation for admitting that I'm a grandmother? Does my editor get a standing ovation for admitting that he's a moron? Or did I miss the part where "coming out" has became shocking again, because I was under the impression that ground was broken decades ago by Ellen Degeneres. And by Elton John. And by Neil Patrick Harris. And Jodie Foster, Anderson Cooper, Melissa Etheridge, k.d. lang, Rosie O'Donnell, Wanda Sykes, Anne Heche, Ricky Martin, Jane Lynch, Martina Navritalova, Mark Tewkesbury, even Ontario's premier Kathleen Wynne. My point being: yawn. A helluva lot of people are openly gay and nobody who matters has a problem with it. 

We need to accept the fact that there's a difference between an interesting development and A MAJOR ALL-CAPS ACHIEVEMENT. Unfortunately, that's hard to do in a society that overpraises even the most mediocre accomplishments, rewarding every incomprehensible crayon doodle with a gold star and sending kids off to their junior high prom in a ballgown and a limousine. 

So while I am very fond of Ellen Page (and no, not in that way), can we stop acting as if she just became the first female prime minister? She made a noteworthy personal announcement, please adjust your response accordingly. Some cheers and a rousing round of applause would have sufficed.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Ellen Page is GAY? But ... she's such a comely little thing. Are we quite sure?
MY NOTE: Quite sure, you moron. In fact you're probably the reason.