Tuesday, 18 February 2014


roll up the rim to win, tim hortons, pig face, whorrified, moron editor,
Pig Face demonstrates proper rim-unrolling technique: with the teeth, not with the fingers.

God, how embarrassing. This is the sort of thing that usually happens to my moron editor (and then I cackle like a hag and blog about it; it's no wonder the man's testicles have shrivelled so badly they now resemble two perfect little Sultana raisins. Er, or so I imagine).

I suppose I should explain, because some of you might be American and/or reading this sober and are therefore hopelessly confused. We snow-addled Canadians have this sad little game we play every year at this time of year called Roll Up the Rim to Win. Meaning you roll up the rim of your Tim Hortons coffee cup in the desperate hope that you've won a prize, except you almost never do and even when you do it's usually a frickin' doughnut. But for that brief three seconds of frantic unravelling, you forget about the three-metre snow drifts pressing in all around you and you almost feel alive again. It's pretty pathetic, but it keeps us from shooting ourselves right between the eyes because February. 

So what happened was, I rolled up my rim, saw that I'd lost, and chucked the cup. And then was told by a smug co-worker that I had done it all wrong, because this time Tims has two rims and therefore two shots at winning per cup. What followed was me rummaging maniacally through my office garbage receptacle to retrieve my loser cup, rolling up the second rim while my co-workers looked on in barely contained glee, and got this message: Play Again, Dumbass. Seriously. What kind of corporation messes with a national treasure in a way that only ensures you will feel like a loser twice? A sick one, that's what kind. And now I can't wait until tomorrow so that I can try again. Twice.

EDITOR'S NOTE: How stupid does one have to be to fail the Roll Up the Rim challenge? 
PIG FACE'S NOTE: Pretty fucking stupid. Even I knew there were two rims this time. And I won a dognut! *sniffs inquisitively* Hey. Are those raisins?
EDITOR'S NOTE: NO! They're my ... goddamit! Get offa me!