Tuesday, 11 February 2014

NUDE STRETCHIE PANTS CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO LIVE

IF YOU EVER GET INVITED TO A FORMAL 'HERE COMES HONEY BOO-BOO' DINNER PARTY, you'll know what to wear.
 Facebook

One of the many advantages of stalking one's Facebook friends (aside from finding out how ugly your ex's new girlfriend is, which is the main reason I joined Facebook, HBU?) is that you stumble across the kind of horrors that give you an instant ego boost. As well as a massive coronary. Contrary to popular belief, the two can happen concurrently. 

This is how I discovered these absofuckinglutely terrifying "nude stretchie pants," which are apparently a thing. A thing someone actually invented, and someone else actually agreed to sell, and someone else actually bought AND WORE TO WORK. (Yes, the all-caps were necessary. Jesus! Look at the things!) 

You know, I can't tell you how many times my girlfriends and I have beaten ourselves up over how gross we look in a two-piece bathing suit and how we sentence ourselves to a steady diet of muu-muus every time we gain a coupla pounds. And yet there are women out there who will stuff their arse into a pair of cellulite-coloured, butt-crack enhancers and walk around in public like, "What? Too much?"
Honestly. If nude stretchie pants aren't a huge urban myth then I don't want to know. Because I'm planning on hitting a beach again real soon, and now that I've seen this, I'm damn well gonna wear a thong. Maybe even a nude stretchie one. 

EDITOR'S NOTE: And I thought THESE were the creepiest things a woman could ever put on her body. Aside from Chris Brown's hands.
MY NOTE: You know who else wears nude stretchie pants? Hint: A celebrity whose arse requires TWO pairs of pants, minimum. Click here for a visual that will haunt you as much as that top one. If not more.