|IF YOU EVER GET INVITED TO A FORMAL 'HERE COMES HONEY BOO-BOO' DINNER PARTY, you'll know what to wear.|
One of the many advantages of stalking one's Facebook friends (aside from finding out how ugly your ex's new girlfriend is, which is the main reason I joined Facebook, HBU?) is that you stumble across the kind of horrors that give you an instant ego boost. As well as a massive coronary. Contrary to popular belief, the two can happen concurrently.
This is how I discovered these absofuckinglutely terrifying "nude stretchie pants," which are apparently a thing. A thing someone actually invented, and someone else actually agreed to sell, and someone else actually bought AND WORE TO WORK. (Yes, the all-caps were necessary. Jesus! Look at the things!)
You know, I can't tell you how many times my girlfriends and I have beaten ourselves up over how gross we look in a two-piece bathing suit and how we sentence ourselves to a steady diet of muu-muus every time we gain a coupla pounds. And yet there are women out there who will stuff their arse into a pair of cellulite-coloured, butt-crack enhancers and walk around in public like, "What? Too much?"
Honestly. If nude stretchie pants aren't a huge urban myth then I don't want to know. Because I'm planning on hitting a beach again real soon, and now that I've seen this, I'm damn well gonna wear a thong. Maybe even a nude stretchie one.
EDITOR'S NOTE: And I thought THESE were the creepiest things a woman could ever put on her body. Aside from Chris Brown's hands.
MY NOTE: You know who else wears nude stretchie pants? Hint: A celebrity whose arse requires TWO pairs of pants, minimum. Click here for a visual that will haunt you as much as that top one. If not more.