Wednesday, 12 February 2014

PAULA DEEN GETS $75M, PLANS TO BLOW IT ALL ON LARD

Paul Deen, celebrity chef, racist, Whorrified,
'THAT'S PERFECT, SUGAR! YOU JUST LOOK RIGHT AT THAT CAMERA THE NICE COLOURED FELLA'S HOLDIN'  
and Auntie Paula will give you a pork rind!'
Wikipedia

Ah, yes, remember them days when slavery was real and birth control wasn't and women couldn't vote but they shore could bake a lovely pie out of nothin' but pig fat and sweet potata? Them was mighty fine days. And remember them days when you could fling racial slurs around like flour and nobody would tattle, in fact they might even make you head of a cooking empire that enabled you to damn near kill yourself by cooking everything in the finest lard money could buy? 

Well of course you don't remember them because, unlike Paula Deen, you're not a racist old white woman from the Deep-Fried South. Paula got fired by everybody six months ago for remembering them very days out loud while simultaneously using the "N" word. Them was dark days. Not even Paula's heart-felt blubbering on national television was enough to douse the inexplicable backlash. But then George Zimmerman got acquitted and that whole weird anti-racist phase petered out, and next thing you know, Paula Deen is making a comeback.

Yes, a Phoenix investment company that might be a televangelist cult senses America isn't ready to break up with diabetes yet so they're giving Paula $75 million to help reboot her celebrity chef career. Which is brilliant of them because my God, that was a long six months without powdered-sugar crullers for breakfast every day, wasn't it? I do declare. I'd rather eat quinoa salad with tofu than go through them days again. (Kidding. Nothing's that bad ... )