Friday, 21 February 2014

YOU DIDN'T NOTICE MY NEW NAILS. I WANT A DIVORCE.

Whorrified, nails, manicure, moron editor,
NOTICE ANYTHING STUNNINGLY DIFFERENT ABOUT ME? 
Of course you don't, you ungrateful bastards.

Oh, hi! How are you doing? Haven't seen you in a while. How are the kids? *stifles yawn* Uh-huh. Cool. Say, pardon me for interrupting but could you get that door for me? I'd get it myself but my hand is occupied. *wiggles fingers* So, anyway, you were saying? Whew, it's cold in here! I'll just warm up my head by draping my hand over it. *cracks knuckles* Darn! I think I chipped a nail. A nail. A GODDAM NAIL, I said!

This, in a nutshell, is what my week has been like. I mean, I paid damn good money to get this amazeballs, pewter-glazed, pointy-nails manicure (it's called a trend) and did any of you notice? Did any of you comment? Did any of you stop dead in your tracks and gasp "My God, woman! Your nails! They're spectacular!" No you did not. 

Not one single comment did I get. Honestly, you people. It's like being married all over again; I could wrap my naked body in Saran Wrap and slink around on all fours in front of you and you'd look up from your fucking newspaper and mumble, "Hey babe, couldja grab me a beer?" 

I don't even know why I bother. I might as well just walk around looking like this, the way the housewives do. In fact I might just start doing that. That would teach you. EDITOR! I need a martini! A big one. *grabs glass, sinks entire face into it* Aaaaah. That's better. 

EDITOR'S NOTE: My God, woman! Your nails! They're spectacular!
MY NOTE: Oh go fuck yourself.