|CHRIS BROWN HAS GONE AND GOT HIMSELF ARRESTED AGAIN because he's incapable of not being a shithead. Example #279: Amsterdam, 2012.|
I must admit I was having a little trouble getting back up to snarkasm speed after a fabulous two-week vacation that involved three of my favourite things: Piggly Wiggly, liquor and zero wearing of pants. You can see why my services as a babysitter are in such demand. (Although I do seem to get a disproportionate number of requests from balding, childless men.)
But a quick scan of the celebrity news of the day immediately rewarded me with snarkasm gold, because guess who just got his dumb ass thrown in jail for mysterious reasons that probably involve either sex, rocks or Rihanna? That's right: Chris goddam Brown.
Breezy has been kicked out of court-ordered anger management rehab — a violation of conditions imposed after he practically murdered RiRi — and according to TMZ it may have had something to do with an "inappropriate relationship" with one of the staff. Whom I assume was a woman who enjoys having sex with cootie-riddled shitheads and the intoxicating possibility that she will get the snot beaten out of her afterwards. It's probably the only reason she applied for a job there at all.
Interviewer: I see here you list Charlie Sheen as a reference?
Woman: *giggles* Uh, sure. Let's call him a reference.
Interviewer: And that you're a big fan of R Kelly?
Woman: Most misunderstood artist of our generation.
Interviewer: You'll have to work nights, weekends, holidays ... and we can't pay you. Ever. And you may get pinched, groped or punched by the clientele. In fact we can pretty much guarantee it. Because they're celebrities.
Woman: *takes top off, salutes* I can start right away.
Interviewer: Perfect. We'll put you on our new Justin Bieber ward.
Woman: Justin Bieber is here? I LOVE black guys!
Interviewer: No, but he will be. Call it a hunch. In the meantime, you'll have to make do with Justin Bieber Lite. You may know him as Chris Brown.
Woman: And to think I was this close to accepting a job at WalMart!