|BRITISH BEAUTY AMAL ALAMUDDIN IS RIDICULOUSLY SMART AND EDUCATED, which bodes well for her ability to figure out how this relationship is going to end.|
George Clooney has a new girlfriend and she couldn't be more different from his previous girlfriend, Stacey Keibler, who has already remarried and got knocked up in the 8 months since George dumped her (you dodged a bullet there, Georgie boy). His new arm candy, Amal Alamuddin, is an Oxford-educated British lawyer who is representing WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange, speaks fluent Arabic, French and English, has written books, has served as an advisor to the UN on the crises in Syria and Lebanon, and is gorgeous. Whereas Stacy Keibler is a leggy former professional wrestler-turned-host of Supermarket Superstar and I don't even have to write the snark here because it's basically writing itself.
Erudite Amal's accomplishments have TMZ and other hopeless romantics wondering "Will she be the one to get George to the altar?" Bitches, please: George is never going to go to the altar because, hello! If you could have as much tasty cake as you wanted, an endless supply of mouthwatering pastries that just get fresher and fresher in inverse proportion to your own advancing shelf life, would YOU randomly decide to shut down the supply and settle for one stale cupcake for the rest of your life?
EDITOR'S NOTE: I don't get it. What does cake have to do with it?
MY NOTE: Ah. Perhaps I can help by using an analogy you'll be able to relate to. If I could give you an endless barrage of kicks, pinches and slaps and you suddenly naively requested that I stop it, would I listen to you?
EDITOR'S NOTE: *sobs* He's never going to marry anyone, is he?
MY NOTE: Nope.