Saturday, 29 March 2014

GWYNETH PALTROW WOULD LIKE YOU TO PULL OIL

ayurvedic celebrities, coconut oil, gwyneth paltrow, oil pulling, shailene woodley, whorrified
I AM DEEPLY SADDENED TO REPORT THAT GWYNETH PALTROW IS DEAD 
Haha. Kidding, unfortunately. In fact, Gwyneth is probably going to live forever because she crams coconut oil into her yap and gargles with it. Every. Frigging. Day.
Wikipedia

In case you're wondering how Saint Gwyneth of the Ayurvedic Ass-hats is coping with her divorce, I can gleefully report that the answer is "exactly the same way she does everything: annoyingly." 

Because ever since announcing her "conscious uncoupling" (not to be confused with "unconscious coupling," which is what I do every Friday night while in a drunken stupor), Gwynnie has been indulging in a string of verbal diarrheaic episodes that rival anything Kanye West has ever subjected us to. Including the magic Gemini mask episode. 

On Friday, St. Gwynnie managed to A) insult working moms ("being an actress is harder"), denigrate ordinary divorcing mortals ("our divorce is more spiritual") and finally and most delightfully, to introduce a health trend that might just make you puke your way to your goal weight. 
I refer, of course, to "oil pulling."

What's oil pulling, you ask? Oh, only the most disgusting health trend since colon cleansing, except you do it with your mouth and a vile substance that smells, tastes and feels rancid lard. 
What you do is, you take some nasty coconut oil and swish it around in your facehole for TWENTY GODDAM MINUTES and in the process rid yourself of all of the toxins that are keeping you from being as pure as Gwyneth Paltrow. And I was going to try it myself just so I could prove to you that it's complete and utter horseshit, but I couldn't get the damned stuff past my nose. Although I did manage to find a video (below) of a much braver young man who tried it and I'd say the "Oh my God, I'm going to vomit" expression on his face says it all.

I don't care if this shit cures cancer of the vagina, there's no way I'm keeping it in my mouth for 20 minutes. Or even two. If oil pulling isn't the reason Chris Martin is divorcing this mad bitch, it should be. By God, it should be.

Via the Toronto Star: