Wednesday, 19 March 2014

I'D INVITE YOU TO DINNER BUT YOU MIGHT VOMIT

GE Profile, Whorrified, cutlery, dishwasher, GE appliances suck,
WELCOME, CHERISHED DINNER GUEST  
You've got choices: would you prefer 
the cutlery encrusted in baked-on 
food debris or the cutlery that looks like 
a bird shat on it? The bird-shit cutlery? 
Excellent choice. Bon appetit!


Greetings, dear friends, most of whom I have never met and in fact wouldn't recognize if I tripped over you in a back alley. I would like to invite you to dinner chez moi. I'm a ridiculously good cook and even when I screw up I get everybody so hammered they'd eat dog food if I put enough gravy on it. (I won't say I've never done it.) 

There's just one problem: you may want to bring your own cutlery. Or eat with your fingers. Or risk ptomaine poisoning by using my cutlery, because the high-end GE dishwasher I paid almost $1500 bucks for spews everything out with a fresh coat of baked on crust; I swear my dishes come out dirtier than they were when they went in there. 

If I fail to thoroughly scrub my dishes, glasses and especially my cutlery before running them through this expensive mechanical farce, they'll come out looking like someone just threw up on them. Call me crazy, but I thought the whole point of getting a fucking dishwasher was to avoid ever having to handwash a dish again. 

And in case this is starting to sound like a rant against GE's Profile line, good. Cuz that's what this is. Because my daughter also has the high-end GE line of appliances and is equally disgusted with it. "If I wanted fibre with my milk, I'd have a bowl of organic wheat germ," she's been known to huff after observing flotsam in a freshly dishwashered glass.

For the record, we've both tried the natural vinegar remedy (BOLLOCKS!), the rinse agent (better, but still BOLLOCKS), pre-scrubbing and various brands of dishwashing detergent and we've both come to the same infuriating conclusion: GE sucks with a forcefulness its dishwashers only wish they could achieve. 

Don't believe me? Try Googling "GE appliances suck" and watch what unfolds. Or talk to someone who owns them. Or better yet, buy one. Haha, kidding, don't do that: buy a Frigidaire. Or a Maytag. Or even a friggin' Kenner Easy-bake Oven, for God's sake. Anything but a GE. 
I'm having that made into a T-shirt. It'll look fantastic with the pants I almost never wear.